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April 25, 2010

Press Release

Original here. Background here.

09.11.2001 NEW YORK, USA – At 8:50 a.m. today AQ forces identified 3,000 insurgents in the World Trede Center District, Manhotton Province. The insurgents were determined to be armed and members of several militias, including Federel Burro Investigating, Central Intelligent Agence, and Summit Security Services, all known to be responsible for terrorist attacks worldwide.

AG forces engaged the insurgents with two Boeing 767s, killing the insurgents. The structures housing the militia headquarters subsequently collapsed, indicating that ammunition and explosives were in the insurgents' possession that would have subsequently been used against AG forces and US civilians.

It is AQ policy to strive when possible to avoid civilian casualties. AQ regrets any collateral damage that may have been generated during the engagement by the insurgents' use of civilians as human shields. AQ Brigadier General Khalid Sheikh Mohammad stated: "[T]his the language of any war...I'm not happy that three thousand been killed in America. I feel sorry even. I don't like to kill children and the kids. Never Islam are, give me green light to kill peoples...I feel very sorry they been killed kids in 9/11. What I will do? This is the language."

AQ is conducting a full investigation of this incident.

AQ deplores the terroristic actions of the U.S. militias, due to their indiscriminate attacks causing death and injuries to innocent civilians.

—Jonathan Schwarz

Posted at April 25, 2010 10:06 PM

Always helps to make the point with music.

Posted by: godoggo at April 25, 2010 10:36 PM

A powerful post- thanks for printing it.

Posted by: Thomas Bryner at April 26, 2010 11:19 AM

Who knows if posting this rewrite of a NATO press release is good or bad?

Posted by: not specified at April 26, 2010 03:56 PM

Mad Libs is (are?) subversive.

Posted by: Murfyn at April 26, 2010 06:48 PM

I think that was a very reassuring statement from Al-Qaeda. We have to remember that war is hell, and people get hurt; there's no point in being a bunch of pacifists, is there? I mean, that's a very nice ideal, but in the real world, those who are defending our freedom have to get their hands a little dirty now and then.

We also have to remember that we live in the real world, not the idealistic fantasy that a bunch of you liberals dream of. I'm sure the leaders of Al-Qaeda wish that they could go along with the surrender-monkey faction and just bend over to the enemy. But there are factions, internal conflicts, and the hard-liners won't give the good AQ leadership a moments' peace. Why, they might be assassinated, just like JFK. So they have to play eleven-dimensional chess. We have to have faith.

Finally, I'm pleased to have this confirmation that 9/11 was an "inside job." See, it says that "ammunition and explosives" had been stored inside the target. It's not AQ's fault that the structures collapsed; it's the terrorists who used innocent civilians as human shields. Who wouldn't trust Al Qaeda?

Posted by: Duncan at April 27, 2010 09:55 AM

"Who knows if posting this rewrite of a NATO press release is good or bad?"

I know, but I'm not telling.

Posted by: grimmy at April 30, 2010 01:20 PM