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February 02, 2009

More And Better Wars

Once humanity eliminates war between countries, we'll be able to focus on more pressing wars: the war between men and women, and the war between the short and the tall.

—Jonathan Schwarz

Posted at February 2, 2009 09:12 PM

What about the class war?

Posted by: Save the Oocytes at February 2, 2009 09:32 PM

I don't think we can eliminate war between countries until we eliminate the class war. In fact, I'd say wars between countries aren't even really separate from class warfare.

Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at February 2, 2009 09:58 PM

I like my chances!

Posted by: tall guy at February 2, 2009 10:13 PM

I'm 6'4" & we're winning this one! Bob

Posted by: Bob at February 2, 2009 10:15 PM

What about the Cola war?

Posted by: AlanSmithee at February 2, 2009 11:00 PM

In fact, I'd say wars between countries aren't even really separate from class warfare.


I believe this is a fundamental truth. The super rich aren’t patriots any more than I am. They just use it to sucker us into doing what they want us to do. They hate the working class and poor because -- one, they can’t remain where they are without slaves and two, they are afraid of us. In fact they for the most part hate us. In the end the upper class are nothing but leeches.

Posted by: Rob Payne at February 2, 2009 11:46 PM

"In the end the upper class are nothing but leeches." - Rob Payne

"Is there ought we have in common with the greedy parasite, who would lash into serfdom, who would crush us with his might?" - Industrial Workers of the World

Posted by: Rojo at February 3, 2009 12:15 AM

One Big Union! One Big Strike!

ps: Since the world is not flat, tall people are an evolutionary dead end.

Posted by: bobbyp at February 3, 2009 12:21 AM


That was written in 1915 and is still true today. I have always felt part of the plan for outsourcing jobs was to weaken unions as well as for profit.


Global overclass is good, a good description of how things work. I don’t see why you shouldn’t take credit for it. The wealthy could care less about national identity, all they care about is how much they have and how much power they can wield. I understand a lot of the wealthy Americans retire in France instead of the Bronx.

Posted by: Rob Payne at February 3, 2009 01:10 AM

Actually, in the war between men and women is far far easier to choose the option to "make love, not war." All you need will be some Barry White CDs and a hot tub, and everything's done.

The war between the short and the tall, now that's far harder...

Posted by: En Ming Hee at February 3, 2009 03:45 AM

Hmm, y'all 6-foot-plus seem to be assuming that it'll be a fist fight, right? Dream on, fellas; we prefer large targets.

Posted by: abb1 at February 3, 2009 05:32 AM

abb1 is right. I'm 6'3" tall and not looking forward to the War of the Tall and the Short. I've literally never known a mean tall person, but I've known boatloads of short people who were meaner than the devil.

Posted by: Aaron Datesman at February 3, 2009 05:56 AM

Ah. But when we conquer the women it'll be the opposite.

Posted by: abb1 at February 3, 2009 06:14 AM

Don't forget the secret war between the lefthanders and the righthanders

Posted by: two to the fighting eighth power at February 3, 2009 07:18 AM

We blue-eyes have the camps all ready to go for you mud-eyed devils.

Posted by: Upside Down Flag at February 3, 2009 08:45 AM


Interesting that old Bernie brings up corporate taxes.

Two-thirds of U.S. corporations paid no federal income taxes from 1998-2005, according to a new report from the nonpartisan Government Accounting Office. About 68 percent of foreign companies doing business in the U.S. also avoided corporate taxes during the same period. Collectively, the companies reported trillions of dollars in sales. More than 38,000 foreign corporations had no tax liability in 2005 and 1.2 million U.S. companies (66.7%) paid no income tax. About 25% of large U.S. corporations -- those with at least $250 million in assets or $50 million in receipts -- did not pay corporate taxes. The GAO analyzed data from the IRS, examining samples of corporate returns from 1998-2005. For 2005, it examined 110,003 tax returns from among more than 1.2 million corporations doing business inside the United States. Tax figures since 2006 were not examined.

So I suppose this would mean if two thirds of U.S. corporations had to pay one dollar in taxes that it would mean the end of civilization! My goodness, talk about living on the razor’s edge. Damn unions.

Posted by: Rob Payne at February 3, 2009 09:52 AM

Typical of the masculinist Left to pretend that there isn't already a one-sided war between men and women. Boys' club anyone?

Yeah women are to men just as short people are to tall. Embarrassing!

Read some Andrea Dworkin and wake yerselves up to sex-based discrimination. You know, something you can actually do something about.

Posted by: Seth at February 3, 2009 10:08 AM

...the war between men and women, and the war between the short and the tall.

This point is too important to be left to a troll. The "war" between men and women worldwide is as one-sided as the class "war", but that doesn't mean it isn't every bit as real.

Posted by: Cass at February 3, 2009 10:42 AM

What is with this "troll" business? Even if my comment is appreciated, it is somehow tainted by virtue of issuing from me.

Yes, Cass, I agree with your agreement with me.

Posted by: Seth at February 3, 2009 10:55 AM

All well and good these false dichotomies and arbitrary fractious divisions - men v. women, tall v. short - but the real war's between the present and the future. Always has been.
On the surface it would seem an effortless victory for the Presenters, who only need to hold their ground, with the Futurers having no weapons, no strategies, no "presence" on the battlefield whatsoever - but the forces of Now keep deserting to the other side. Why?
This is incomprehensible from the standpoint of self-interest, isn't it? Isn't it?
And yet the war continues.

Posted by: roy belmont at February 3, 2009 12:30 PM

"it is somehow tainted by virtue of issuing from me."

Cass made the same substantive point, but not in a way that presupposed everyone else in the thread was a sexist moron.

Posted by: Donald Johnson at February 3, 2009 06:37 PM

That was going to be my response to Jonathan, in a way: if the cessation of international wars presupposes the end of the class "war" (presumably by the people who are currently losing), wouldn't the sex "war" also need to be over by then?

Am I dissecting this excessively?

tall guy & Bob:
Nonsense. For me, your nuts are at fist level.

Posted by: Save the Oocytes at February 3, 2009 08:43 PM

"Nonsense. For me, your nuts are at fist level."

Bob's 6'4", which is tall, but you'd be around 4'6" for this to be true. Still, point taken--I think the tall folk are going to be in for more of a struggle than they realize. (As someone more or less average in height, I'm declaring myself in neutral territory and sitting this one out.)

Posted by: Donald Johnson at February 3, 2009 10:28 PM

Such hatred from the little people. I was only suggesting, unfair as it may be, that tall people enjoy the benefits of cultural bias.

Posted by: Bob at February 3, 2009 11:01 PM

But if we Venn diagram these future better conflicts--as we must all future better conflicts!--let us note an exciting subset: a war of magnificent, strapping women vs. the wee little men!

Well, exciting to me, anyway.

Posted by: The Other Duncan at February 4, 2009 12:18 AM

Also Bob, better, wider, longer views.
Can get to more fruit on the tree.
Less dependent on others at table to pass things.
Can see over tops of crowd on flat surfaces like public squares etc. and find out what's happening.
Can cover more ground at the same pace.
Usually easier to find in the chaotic aftermath of disaster.
Can reach things on the top shelf without recourse to a stool, or if there isn't one.
Can reach the dog or the cat under the porch when others can't, when it's time to go to the vet.
Can change light bulbs in ceiling fixture without having to go to the garage and get the step-ladder.
Can take littlest kids further out into the pool without having to bounce on tiptoes.
Can play stand-up bass without looking kind of odd.
When young can pass for over-21, or over-18, earlier than other kids.
Are first to respond to build-up of lighter-than-air gases in a closed room.
Have a better shot at recapturing balloons in the moment of loss, can launch kites more effectively, etc.
Can see more of what's going on at the front of the bus.
Always draw the attention of arresting officers first.
Can boost friends higher up into places to climb.
Have longer sweep with canoe paddles, longer pull on archery bow.
Taller women have an advantage with the bridal bouquet, if they're into that kind of thing.
Royal measure, with its 12 inches per, calls a foot what is generally the measure of a foot of a tall person, which should tell you all you need to know right there.

Posted by: roy belmont at February 4, 2009 12:23 AM

Bob: Hatred? What kind of war were you talking about?

Donald Johnson: I like to tell myself I'm not done growing.

Posted by: Save the Oocytes at February 4, 2009 12:29 AM


I see, I see it all now. I have been so unfair to Bernie and how much Home Despot has done for god and country. I have been bitterly weeping cursing myself for my callous attitude toward a national hero and patriot. I now know that Bernie created Home Despot out of a selfless desire to bring democracy to America so that Americans can finally stand up and take responsibility. Americans, standing tall, noble brows to a cold wind, in the face of adversity, a new master race, supreme beings from another place and another time fighting for truth, justice, and the American way. Americans, faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, ah, this is all too much, let me still my beating heart. And leading the charge is Bernie Marcus, or is it Obama, I forget.

Posted by: Rob Payne at February 4, 2009 03:07 AM

Nothing about the Shia and Sunni? Democrats and Republicans? FSU and Florida?

(He is right, by the way. Everyone in my family is short and mean.)

Posted by: Dave at February 4, 2009 10:27 AM

Well, there's this!

Posted by: Bob at February 4, 2009 10:33 AM

I will never forget what you blue eyed freaks did to me...

Posted by: tim at February 4, 2009 04:40 PM