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July 30, 2008

Proof of the Existence of God

By: Bernard Chazelle

Homosexuals cause earthquakes! (h/t IOZ).

Turns out they're not the only ones. Some of you did notice that my California-bashing post was immediately followed by the Los Angeles earthquake. OK, I was aiming at the Vice-Presidential Mansion in DC and I missed. But still, behold the power of the heterosexual race, Mr Benizri !! (more on Mr Benizri later).

Now, I realize the pain I've caused. So you, California people, please accept my apologies. And you, gay people, next time you cause an earthquake, would it kill you to apologize? I find what I like to call the "post-quake gay-silence-of-denial" rather inconsiderate.

But we're not assembled here tonight to bash but to praise. To praise me. To praise me for my conclusive proof of the existence of God. I just had a theological breakthrough. You see, Knesset Member Shlomo Benizri explained his seismic theory thus:

"God says 'you shake your genitals where you are not supposed to and I will shake my world in order to wake you up'."

Let's pause for a second:

What do you shake? Your human genital.
What does God shake? The earth.
Conclusion: The earth is God's genital!

But if God has genitals then God must exist! QED


— Bernard Chazelle

Posted at July 30, 2008 07:19 PM

Thanks bernard, for the proof. That´s what i needed. My understanding: the earth exists, so God genitals exists, so God exists. Hurra!!!!!!
Long life to Bernard.

Posted by: Just me at July 30, 2008 08:41 PM

Bernard: These crazy old jewish guys, don't listen to them they'll drive "ya nuts". (look closer and YOU'll probably find the guys a hassidic of some sort.

Posted by: Mike Meyer at July 30, 2008 09:34 PM

You know, it actually would explain a lot of things if it turned out we were living on God's balls.

For starters, I believe that would make the human race a form of divine crabs...

Posted by: NonyNony at July 30, 2008 09:53 PM

I blame China for the earthquake.

Posted by: Rob Payne at July 30, 2008 10:04 PM, "live on."

Posted by: Save the Oocytes at July 30, 2008 10:43 PM

This is the most sensible post you've ever written.

Posted by: A Different Matt at July 31, 2008 12:42 AM

So global warming will make Him infertile, right?

Posted by: me at July 31, 2008 05:11 AM

Now I truly understand the deeper meaning of KC & The Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty." Maybe.

Posted by: Bob In Pacifica at July 31, 2008 09:16 AM

How can this be made into a weapon?

Posted by: Pvt. Keepout at July 31, 2008 09:32 AM
For starters, I believe that would make the human race a form of divine crabs...

Kinda been done. Within the Cthulhu Mythos, all life on Earth develops from garbage pieces of a higher organism.

And hey, since the ancient Egyptians believed we were sandwitched between Geb and Nut, god and goddess of earth and sky who were procreating enough to spawn lots of other gods, then we probably are genital parasites, technically speaking.

Posted by: No One of Consequence at July 31, 2008 10:19 AM

Variation of the writing of the 17th century Bavarian philosopher/locksmith Franz Josef Bubenstocker:

God is Love
Love is Sex
God is Sex

Posted by: donescobar at July 31, 2008 10:26 AM

On behalf of homosexuals everywhere, I would like to apologize for the earthquake. But only the most recent one. We fucking meant each and every other one.

Posted by: ethan at July 31, 2008 01:30 PM

You made my 9-year-old daughter cry Bernard.

I hope you're happy.

Posted by: Jimbo at July 31, 2008 03:04 PM

Great Balls of Fire!

Posted by: Roy Belmont at July 31, 2008 08:15 PM

I'm not up on the Gemara enough to know what it says
about genital shaking, but I do know that
genital shaking in general can lead to a world-moving experience.

Posted by: Paul Avery at August 1, 2008 03:50 AM

But according to Benizri, you'd have to be asleep, shaking your genitals in the wrong place, to get this treatment. Can this explain daytime earthquakes?

Does this mean I need to stop sleepwalking to the bathroom and masturbating into the sink? Not that I've experienced an earthquake lately ...

I'm even more confused than before!

Posted by: baldie at August 1, 2008 09:50 AM