You may only read this site if you've purchased Our Kampf from Amazon or Powell's or me
• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show

"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket

"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming

May 11, 2008

We Own The World, So We Naturally Get Angry When Others Visit Without Being Invited

John McCain in 1999:

McCain's mood can also quickly turn from sunny to stormy without warning. With his shades on and looking out through the bus window at water-skiers crashing through silver waves under a golden sun over Lake Winnipesaukee near Laconia, McCain begins talking about his captors. They are living in Hanoi, he says, except for the Cuban, the man he called "Fidel," who would beat the American prisoners with an automobile fan belt. "He was particularly cruel," McCain says, his mood darkening almost imperceptibly. McCain says he has the CIA looking for "Fidel," and a reporter innocently asks why. "He was from a foreign country!" McCain says, his voice rising. "He had no business coming to Hanoi and killing my friends! And I'd love to bring him to justice!" And just as quickly, the storm passes. McCain adjusts his glasses a little and says, "It was a long time ago. I almost never talk about it." He looks from one reporter to another. "Really. There was a lot of humor in prison. A lot of funny stories."

Here's all you need to know about the Vietnam War:

HAVE NO BUSINESS: Foreigners who come to Hanoi to torture people who've dropped five million tons of bombs on a country the size of Oregon

HAVE LOTS OF BUSINESS: Foreigners who come to Hanoi to drop five million tons of bombs on a country the size of Oregon


ALSO: This involves a lot of funny stories

—Jonathan Schwarz

Posted at May 11, 2008 06:57 AM

He's not a smart man, and he's got defensiveness and inner weakness written all over his face, just like Monkey Boy.

Posted by: Guest at May 11, 2008 11:52 AM

Can McCain really give orders to the CIA? And if so, that he would direct their resources to settling a personal grudge from thirty years ago is unsettling.

Posted by: watercat at May 11, 2008 12:19 PM

Oh, man, why'd you have to mention dropping bombs and Oregon? McCain's supposed to be here in Portland tomorrow!

Posted by: darrelplant at May 11, 2008 12:33 PM

If the CIA ever does find the Cuban who tortured McCain they'll surely take him to a secret prison. The only question is whether he'll be an inmate or a member of the staff. With the skills he has, the CIA could probably make use of him...

Posted by: Thoreau at May 11, 2008 12:46 PM

And John McCain often says he doesn't like to talk about it.

Posted by: hf at May 11, 2008 01:02 PM

That's very funny!

Posted by: cemmcs at May 11, 2008 01:24 PM

Jaw-dropping on many levels, but -- maybe for the sake of my own sanity -- I'm stuck on this part:

McCain says he has the CIA looking for "Fidel"...

Who exactly gets to put in requests to which the CIA responds? I'm genuinely curious.

(I'd read about the Cuban torturer in North Viet Nam before, but referred to as Raoul. Guess that wasn't symbolic enough for the U.S. prisoners.)

Posted by: Nell at May 11, 2008 01:55 PM

Really liked the funny stories, thanks a bunch.

Dear God, if there really is going to be a rapture, anytime between now and November would be really, really good.

Posted by: catherine at May 11, 2008 03:34 PM

He should send Rambo to look for Fidel.

Posted by: abb1 at May 11, 2008 03:56 PM

Sounds like obliteration time.

Posted by: Wareq at May 11, 2008 06:14 PM

Kind of semi-off-topic: Does anyone know what McCain was supposed to bomb on the raid when he was shot down?

Posted by: Bob In Pacifica at May 11, 2008 08:41 PM

Is anyone else reminded of Principal Seymour Skinner ("Skin-NER"!) swiveling in his chair during a PA announcement to the children of Springfield grade school, and losing himself in a soliloquy of his own Vietnam nightmare? And then, immediately snapping-to, cheerfully warning those kids that ate spaghetti-O's served the day before by lunch lady Doris should be tested for hepatitis C?

Posted by: JWL at May 11, 2008 09:20 PM