You may only read this site if you've purchased Our Kampf from Amazon or Powell's or me
• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show

"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket

"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming

March 14, 2008

People: Why They're Great

On the one hand, the politics of denunciation and rejection, combined with mass resignations, is funny. We can invade another country and turn it into an abattoir (or rather, turn it from a retail abattoir into an industrial-sized one), but heaven forfend someone blurt out an impolitic thought. Our delicate constitutions can't stand it!

On the other hand, I'm fascinated by the inability of campaign surrogates to think before speaking. You'd assume, particularly given that we live in the United States of Drudge, that they'd understand the importance of this.

But they just can't manage it. Whatever else you want to say about human beings, they have a charming inability to shut up.

UPDATE: I apologize for and deeply regret everything anyone's ever said, and hereby resign from this website.

—Jonathan Schwarz

Posted at March 14, 2008 03:33 PM

" I apologize for and deeply regret everything anyone's ever said, and hereby resign from this website."

That won't get you off the hook. I expect more groveling.

Posted by: Donald Johnson at March 14, 2008 04:22 PM

Your apology and resignation don't mean diddlybop unless the little woman is standing by you.
Update: If she's a big woman, my bad. Don't want to be accused of size-ism.
Carry on with the meaningless blather!

Posted by: donescobar at March 14, 2008 04:25 PM

You didn't apologize to your family.

Posted by: Matt Stoller at March 14, 2008 04:25 PM

can i have your parking place?

Posted by: konopelli/wgg at March 14, 2008 04:33 PM

If she's a big woman, my bad. Don't want to be accused of size-ism.

Sorry, donescobar, but your "non-apology apology" just won't cut it. You must publicly abase yourself for offending OTPW (Other-Than-Petite Women), then resign from this comment thread. Nothing less is acceptable. Indeed, even that will be insufficient, but at least we'll enjoy watching you beg.

Also, Schawrz should apologize for creating a commenting environment where people feel free to post such offensive material.

I would promise to check back and hold you all responsible, but I am now indignantly boycotting the remainder of this comment thread. You have all disappointed me greatly.

Posted by: FearItself at March 14, 2008 04:40 PM

can i have your website?

Posted by: hapa at March 14, 2008 04:42 PM

Dammit, he's gone and apologized before I even had a chance to condemn him for everything anyone's ever said. Things shore do move fast these days.

Posted by: albany layman at March 14, 2008 04:44 PM

Don't forget that mentioning that racism exists or has existed makes YOU a racist.

Posted by: David Grenier at March 14, 2008 04:47 PM

I for one am deeply offended that you did not have the courage or honesty to cite specifically why you have resorted to an apology. Apparently, not only do you lack the moral compass and integrity necessary to own up to your frequent and inexcusable behavior, but are a spoilsport who refuses to repeat -- in salacious detail -- the highlights of your whoremongering, the exact alignment of the positions employed, or the brand of condoms used.

Fortunately, most of that information is contained in the second addendum to the first bound volume of leaks from the prosecutors office.

Posted by: Mark Gisleson at March 14, 2008 05:13 PM

To be fair to those campaign bobble-heads, it's extremely hard to police your speech to the minute specifications demanded by the media circus. 24-hour cable news feeds like an ultra-efficient microbe, scouring every square millimeter of available surface for some nutritious dirt. Too bad that ravenous energy never seems to get directed towards anything important.

Posted by: saurabh at March 14, 2008 05:18 PM

So it comes to this. You have salacious details in your life and I have to hear about it from other commenters. You just keep digging yourself in deeper, or at least having others do it for you, because you're too damn lazy to pick up a shovel yourself. Jerk.

Posted by: Donald Johnson at March 14, 2008 05:34 PM

You should have known that revealing the "Penis Man" add-on lyrics to TMBG's "Particle Man" would get you in trouble. And now, I will have to get my worldview from that troll's blog, and not from here. Damn you, Penis Man!

Posted by: Aaron Datesman at March 14, 2008 05:54 PM

Just one minute there! That is easily the most regrettable expression of regret I have ever read. You'll want to retract it if you hope to salvage your resignation.

Posted by: Sandy at March 14, 2008 05:57 PM

Let me add my own condemnations to those of the other posters on this thread. I find your conduct completely inexcusable and this Clintonian non-apology apology is just not going to cut it. I demand you do a better job of apologizing or leave it to professionals. This is a sorry day indeed.

Posted by: empty at March 14, 2008 06:38 PM

I reject and renounce your resignation!

Um, I think that means you can't quit, or something like that.

Posted by: Dee Loralei at March 14, 2008 06:59 PM

Thus spaketh Adams, If they don't keep on exercising their lips, their brains start working.

Posted by: buermann at March 14, 2008 07:46 PM

"..., and hereby resign from this website."

Thus removing the Bush administration's last obstacle to the long and fearfully anticipated aerial attack on the Islamic Republic of Iran.

I hope you're happy, Schwarz.

Posted by: Pvt. Keepout at March 14, 2008 08:10 PM

" MARCH 13, 2008
I Denounce and Repudiate Myself, and I Should Therefore Be President! "

[UPDATE: Since the Silber Model of Denunciation and Repudiation is being widely adopted, I will consider hiring myself out as a campaign consultant. I see the results achieved by many others, and I am confident I can seek the same level. I won't charge more than Mark Penn, which seems only fair.]

Oh, my. ( embedded link )

Oh, my.( embedded link )

For a brief moment, I would like the attention of the presidential candidates. Thank you. In the name of comprehensiveness and efficiency, this is the way you do it:

I denounce and repudiate each and every member of my family, regardless of how closely or distantly related they are, now and forevermore.

I denounce and repudiate every friend and acquaintance I have ever had, whether I have known such individuals for decades or for only a few moments, now and forevermore.

I denounce and repudiate everyone I have ever had sex with -- and I especially denounce and repudiate all you rotten (but beautiful) people I wanted to have sex with and who refused. I double denounce and repudiate you!!

I denounce and repudiate everyone whose statements or writing I have noted with approval, with condemnation, or with boredom. I denounce and repudiate everyone I have ever linked to here, regardless of why I linked to them.

I denounce and repudiate every human being who has ever lived, or who will ever live. That's not unfair; most people screw things up in the end. Besides, I'm just being careful. Beyond that, I denounce and repudiate every living creature that has ever existed or may ever exist, in this or any other universe. Except cats.

I denounce and repudiate myself, every action I have ever taken or will ever take, every idea I have ever had or may ever have, and everything I have ever written or will ever write. I am the worst person who has ever lived and who will ever live, and I denounce and repudiate every aspect of my pitiful being and existence, now and forevermore.

I myself think much older, time-tested methods of ritual public humiliation and purification -- say, throwing suspected witches in vats of water -- were faster and more intellectually coherent. Also probably more accurate. But, hey, I'm a terrible person whom I have denounced and repudiated, so what the hell do I know? By the way, what exactly are we testing for in the current process? To determine the candidate who has the fewest genuinely original ideas (preferably none), and who will upset or offend the least number of people (preferably no one)? In other words, the candidate who will be most certain to ensure the continuation of everything that has brought us to the current moment, this zenith of personal liberty, universal peace and ever-increasing prosperity? Hahahahahaha. Oh, sorry. I denounce and repudiate that!

Face it: no presidential candidate will ever come close to doing what I have accomplished here in just a few minutes. I indisputably deserve your vote. If I'm not on the ballot for some inexplicable reason, write in my name: remember it's S-i-l-B-E-r. Thank you.

You're thinking of voting for me, aren't you? I DENOUNCE AND REPUDIATE YOU!

That clinches it. See you at the inauguration!

Posted by: badri at March 14, 2008 09:11 PM

No conscience, no remorse, nothing to offer, still voting for Michael Meyer.

Posted by: Mike Meyer at March 14, 2008 10:39 PM

You monster.

Posted by: K. Ron Silkwood at March 15, 2008 12:32 AM

Oho! This proves I'm right about everything. Today is henceforth xyz is awesome day!

Posted by: xyz at March 15, 2008 02:42 AM

Kudos to xyz. Instead of denouncing and repudiating himself, he courageously continues his love affair with himself. One can only hope the relationhip is consummated.

Posted by: donescobar at March 15, 2008 09:57 AM

let us hope that xyz is as enthusiastic about his consummation of his relationship with himself as donescobar is :-D

having said that, i offer my resignation from the internets because i have called for the ritual strangulation of most politicians in Washington D.C

Posted by: almostinfamous at March 15, 2008 11:46 AM

i don't know what the big deal is. i resign myself every damn morning.

Posted by: hapa at March 15, 2008 06:10 PM

Better to resign before you take the position, in anticipation of probably offending someone someday.

Posted by: eatbees at March 16, 2008 11:37 PM