You may only read this site if you've purchased Our Kampf from Amazon or Powell's or me
• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show

"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket

"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming

November 27, 2007

Valspeak for the Modern Leader

By: Bernard Chazelle


OK, some dudes are so totally like, you know, they go postal or freak out or something when they hear "bad" means "good," "baddest" means "way cool" and "you could care less" really means that you couldn't.

Turns out our beloved leaders have their own linguistic quirks, too. One of them is to replace "so totally" by "not." Why? Lesser mortals like me can't even begin to guess. But, thankfully, once you apply the reverse substitution "not" --> "so totally," then everything our esteemed leaders say, once incomprehensible, suddenly makes sense. For example,

I am so totally a crook. Richard Nixon
We will so totally rush to war. Tony Blair
We will so totally abandon innocent Palestinians in Gaza. Condoleezza Rice
I am so totally a dictator. Pervez Musharraf
British women can so totally cook. Prince Philip
I could so totally imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah. George W. Bush

This being a civic-minded blog, I invite the commenters to add to this list and thereby help future generations acquire the linguistic chops needed to savor the wisdom of their leaders.

Warning: I will not accept quotations of dubious origin. Like this one:

We so totally fear the imperialist running dogs and their minions [...]; if attacked, all of China shall stand upon a chair, and, when given the signal, jump off simultaneously.

Chairman Mao, in exclusive interview with Our Kampf senior imperialist running dog experts MG & JS.

Posted at November 27, 2007 09:06 PM
Comments

Bill Clinton:
"But I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again. I did so totally have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."

Colin Powell, UN lie-a-thon:
Ladies and gentlemen, these are so totally assertions. These are facts, corroborated by many sources, some of them sources of the intelligence services of other countries."

Posted by: Willy at November 27, 2007 10:17 PM

Dubya:
"We do so totally torture."

Dubya's Daddy:
"Read my lips. We will so totally raise taxes."

But to be frank, bare-faced lying is less relevant than the way it's presented, amplified or ignored.

IMO, the only people more dishonest than politicians are people who talk about how terrible they are, especially for a living.

Nothing personal, I just don't think there's a need to foster greater disillusion with political processes. It's not like there's a shortage.

Posted by: me at November 28, 2007 06:23 AM

we shall, we shall so totally be moved,

we shall, we shall so totally be moved,

like a tree standing in the forest,

we shall so totally be moved.

-the people united.

Posted by: mathpants at November 28, 2007 08:34 AM

Wait a sec... is this Bernard or Jonathan writing? And if it's Bernard (not to take anything away from Jonathan by any means), why have you been making yourself so scarce at your old Ferney-Notebookian haunt? We miss you over there. Salut!

Posted by: Pierre Tristam at November 28, 2007 02:34 PM

Salut Pierre: Sorry, I've been so swamped with work I've essentially had to drop out of the commenting business altogether (except for the occasional jackass remarks that seem to flow so naturally out of my twisted mind). Jonathan kindly asked me to post on his wonderful blog, something I'm sure he'll soon come to regret. I am new at this and still can't fathom why anyone would want to read what I have to say but maybe I'll get used to that. I trust my ego is flexible enough to inflate to whatever volume is required for the occasion.

Best wishes to you and Candide's Notebooks! Keep on afflicting Bush and comforting the afflicted -- as your blog does so well.

Posted by: Bernard Chazelle at November 28, 2007 07:46 PM