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December 12, 2006

New Achievements In Cat Vomit Journalism

I believe I have discovered how the Washington Post creates its op-eds. Here it is:

1. Donald Graham's cat is prone to hairballs, and throws up every morning.
2. They take this daily supply of cat vomit, smear it onto the page, and then publish it.

This morning the cat vomit formed patterns spelling out these words by "Michael" "Kinsley":

Comes now former president Jimmy Carter with a new best-selling book, "Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid." It's not clear what he means by using the loaded word "apartheid"...

I mean, what's the parallel?...

[illegible cat vomit]

...the most tragic difference: Apartheid ended peacefully. This is largely thanks to Nelson Mandela, who turned out to be miraculously forgiving. If Israel is white South Africa and the Palestinians are supposed to be the blacks, where is their Mandela?

I think the cat vomit's logic is very powerful here: for apartheid to be apartheid, there has to be a Mandela. Otherwise, no apartheid. Thus, if Nelson Mandela had died in an accident at two years old and therefore never appeared on the South African political scene, then the situation in South Africa wouldn't have been apartheid.

In such a situation, P.W. Botha would have made a speech making this simple point: "It's not clear what Carter means by using the loaded term 'apartheid'...If white South Africa is white South Africa and black South Africa is supposed to be the blacks, where is their Mandela?"

Well played, cat's vomit!

NEXT UP: How the Post creates in house editorials using moose snot.

Posted at December 12, 2006 02:31 PM | TrackBack

If Kinsley is cat vomit, Jeff Greenfield of CNN must be buffalo vomit: " there any other major public figure who dresses the way he (Sen. Barack Obama) does? (Jacket, no tie) Why yes, it's Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."

And that, I suppose, makes Obama a Holocaust denier and potential wiper off the map of Israel?

Aw shit, I'm gonna read only Brecht and Rilke from now on, with Kafka for comic relief.

Posted by: donescobar at December 12, 2006 03:03 PM

Kinsley is right! The West Bank and Gaza can't be Bantustans, because historically the West Bank and Gaza were vibrant, coherent nations (Westbankistan and Gazastan, respectively). So they can't possibly be arbitrary geo-political constructs like in old South Africa!

Posted by: Stinky Flamingo at December 12, 2006 03:13 PM

How much does the Washington Post pay for this stuff? Gotta pay the vet bills, not to mention cat food, kitty litter, and endless containers of Nature's Miracle and if I'd known those stains were worth something I wouldn't need to be buying the cleaning fluid.

Posted by: Donald Johnson at December 12, 2006 03:35 PM

He (Kinsley) is often quite witty. There's something about this sorry project that mysteriously makes smart people stupid. Like a non-surgical lobotomy.

Posted by: abb1 at December 12, 2006 03:56 PM

The cat vomit's logic is akin to a SNL skit that aired during the first Gulf War. Bush (I believe Dana Carvey) was saying, 'People are saying that this war is another Vietnam. Nothing can be further from the truth. This will not be another Vietnam War. The Vietnam War took place in Vietnam. This war is very far away from Vietnam.'

And so on.

Posted by: Chance at December 12, 2006 05:27 PM

The Post needs a touch of moonbatshit. Easy to come by, and reality based.

Posted by: Jesus B. Ochoa at December 12, 2006 06:39 PM

Kinsley also forgets that the ANC in general and Mandela in particular, who led the ANC's armed wing, Umkhonto we Sizwe (Spear of the Natino), were called "terrorists" by the US.

Apartheid ended peacefully because it ended.

I hope Israeli Apartheid will end peacefully as well. Let's end it and find out.

Between Kinsley and now Hiatt's apologia for Pinochet today, I don't know why people even pick up the Post.

Posted by: Rojo at December 12, 2006 07:25 PM


"Kinsley also forgets that the ANC in general and Mandela in particular, who led the ANC's armed wing, Umkhonto we Sizwe (Spear of the Natino), were called "terrorists" by the US."

and of course mandela was in prison, on terrorism charges. so the correct answer to "where is their mandela?" is: "Probably still in prison."

or, since Israel appears to be keen on targeted assassinations, the answer could just as easily be "Shot by the israelis."

Posted by: joe at December 13, 2006 08:06 AM

Don't forget the fairly obvious answer to Kinsley's question: where is their Mandela? Probably blown up by a missile attack. At least South Africa caved in to international pressure and commuted Mandela's death sentence, heck they even went so far as to give him a trial in the first place. Israel won't be making that mistake.

Posted by: john at December 13, 2006 09:31 AM

If Carter had instead compared the West Bank to the segregated south, maybe Kinsley would point out you can't have segregation without MLK or Rosa Parks.

Or maybe the West Bank is not like apartheid because nobody tried to flatten Nelson Mandela with a bulldozer.

Posted by: Jonathan Versen at December 13, 2006 02:33 PM

Why isn't Arafat an equivalent to Mandela? He agreed to recognize Israel in return for 22% of Palestine and won an election with this platform - was that too much to ask? Now, where is their de Klerk?

Posted by: abb1 at December 14, 2006 02:53 AM

Just boycott Juulandia. Don't buy Israel related products. Start with your computer. The new Intel CPUs are manufactured (in part) in Israel. Don't buy computers with Intel CPUs (that includes Apple) and explain to them why. CPUs are pretty expensive and a big boycott will make a dent in their income.
That's what I do... Also prepare for some assorted bullshit anti-semitic blah-blah...

Posted by: Uncle Bob at December 14, 2006 04:42 AM

"He (Kinsley) is often quite witty. There's something about this sorry project that mysteriously makes smart people stupid. Like a non-surgical lobotomy."

Posted by abb1

Not mysterious at all. Kinsley has proven one thing during his career; that he's a reliable prostie. He's always ready with the 'cool contrarianism' or needed incomprehension when the powers that be really need it.

Posted by: Barry at December 18, 2006 12:37 PM