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November 14, 2006

Who's The Next Lucky Contestant?

In comments, abb1 writes:

If history is any guide, they will invade and take over some small totally defenseless unallied country in the next two years. Some island in the Carribean, perhaps. It'll be great, totally triumphant. And I don't expect any American casualties. After that it's time to start getting ready for the next big one.

I'd been meaning to say something along these lines. I doubt George Bush will let his Daddy take his shiny Iraq toy away. But if against odds all American troops are pulled out, we know what happens next: we attack somebody who was lookin' at us funny, just so nobody gets the idea that because we left Iraq we're pussies.

Will our efforts be Mayagüez sized? Or bigger, like Grenada? Given all the humiliation America's foreign policy cadre will (believe themselves to) experience, it's quite possible it will be larger still. Watch out, Mars.

Posted at November 14, 2006 11:18 AM | TrackBack

The largest exporter of oil to the United States is Canada. Canada has had Liberal governments, and is likely to have another one soon. That'll be just the excuse needed. That, plus the continuing lie that the terrorists come from Canada. And if that isn't enough, just rerun some South Park episodes.

Posted by: JustZisGuy at November 14, 2006 12:37 PM

Hey, hey watch it. We have a Conservative government.

I can see the confusion however, our Conservatives are somewhat to the left of Bernie Sanders.

Posted by: jwg at November 14, 2006 01:20 PM

I'm always amazed that military-industrial conservatives NEVER have to apologize or pay a price for a screwed-up mission.

Posted by: Darryl Pearce at November 14, 2006 01:21 PM

They made a killing from 'reconstruction' and armaments. Who says they screwed up?

Posted by: floopmeister at November 14, 2006 04:17 PM

Cuba Libre! Just saying. It's been on their to-do lists for soooo looong.

Posted by: darrelplant at November 14, 2006 04:44 PM

Ah, if Cuba only had oil...

Look further south. Venezuela, come on down!! If we attacked there first, our military would be much happier. Plenty of booze, you should see the broads, and the oil doesn't have to be shipped half way 'round the globe. Hugo has one hell of an ass-whippin' in store, the one Saddam saved him from.

It's strategically sound to occupy Venezuela. Chavez is successfully spreading social democracy, and we can't have that. He's a bigger threat than Bolivar ever was.

Posted by: MarcLord at November 14, 2006 05:40 PM

How about New Orleans?

I wonder if the government has ever thought of invading New Orleans.

Or is that too "foreign" ?

Posted by: Bernard Chazelle at November 14, 2006 07:22 PM

I'm with Bernard. They're pretty dark-hued down there in general; and many of the rest of 'em speak French. Also, they have "chemical factories", but that's just fancy-talk for Weapons of Mass Destruction-related Production Facilities.


Posted by: Aaron Datesman at November 14, 2006 08:15 PM

"We have a Conservative government."

I know that, that's why I said "...and is likely to have another [Liberal government] soon". The Conservatives can go down to a non-confidence motion at any point, and I don't think they, or the NDP, are going to win the next election.

I'd never heard of Bernie Sanders before, but Wikipedia has an interesting entry on him. Yes, I can see how someone who opposed the Iraq invasion and supports universal health care would be considered "leftist". I think the majority of Canadians would just consider those positions common sense. I've lived in the U.S. and seen the U.S. health insurance system first hand and it boggles my mind that anything so convoluted and wasteful could even be imagined, let alone in use.

But I digress. Blame Canada! Invade now! (Or, er, well, Alberta anyway.)

Posted by: at November 14, 2006 08:38 PM

My money's on Darfur. This would be a feel-good intervention. Some Democrats have been pressing for it. And it's been getting a lot of press again lately.
It will be easy to get in -- the Sudanese gov't will cut a deal and let our troops in unopposed, just like they let in the African Union troops. The Janjaweed will melt into the bush and hide their guns. Our troops will build a few schools, dig a few wells and -- in about 6 months -- leave. Everybody in DC will pat themselves on the back for being virtuous and selfless. Then the fighting will resume. With a gusto.

Posted by: Lloyd at November 14, 2006 08:44 PM

Manhattan Island would fall in a day. Also, it would bring closure, since those rootless cosmopolites exposed us to ridicule by being attacked in the first place.

Dr. Chazelle, hail. I 'm a grad student working with Harer and Edelsbrunner and have heard you referenced many times. As is traditional in the academy, I will attempt to introduce myself via a commentbox on a blog.

Posted by: mathpants at November 14, 2006 09:36 PM

My suggestion: attack the moon, so that we may gain control of the Moon Meat Mine! Then we'll have endless supplies of charcuterie forever and forever, and no one will need to wage wars anymore when we can all sit down to eat charcuterie!

Of course the Moon Dwarves would suffer...but surely they'd like what we do, right?

Posted by: En Ming Hee at November 14, 2006 11:53 PM

We are the Germans of yesteryear, so tradition, tradition, tradition: BELGIUM!
I'm offering DoD and State my copy of the Schlieffen Plan. Works like magic, every time.
But please, don't bomb or shell those breweries.
No crimes against yeast or barley.

Posted by: donescobar at November 15, 2006 09:50 AM


Posted by: Maezeppa at November 15, 2006 09:51 AM

All this reminds me of a stale joke that was popular in undocumented immigrant circles some years back during the Echeverria years prior to the massacre at Tlatelolco:

Juan: I've got it, I've got it!!

Jose: Get away from me, fool.

Juan: No, I'm serious. Listen. Remember how after the big war the gringos killed a few Jap and Nazi bigshots? After that, what did they do?

Jose: Yo no se.

Juan: Idiiot, they put millions into rebuilding Germany and Japan.

Juan: So?

Jose: So, you dumb chit, we declare war on Tio Sam and invade.

Jose: Pendejo, we're already doing that.

Juan: No, I mean seriously. We invade and then take a dive, and the Tio cleans our clock. Then he hangs a few crooked generals, and rebuilds the country. All our troubles will be over.

Jose: And if we win?

Posted by: Jesus B. Ochoa at November 15, 2006 10:30 AM

Jesus B. Ochoa

Familiar with the movie "The Mouse That Roared?"

Posted by: donescobar at November 15, 2006 10:40 AM

Nicaragua … just like old times, now that Daniel Ortega is back.

Posted by: Cervantes at November 15, 2006 10:49 AM

Yup, Venezuela gets my vote as well. A bunch of regular folks with no fighting experience whats so ever and limited armament. They're toast!

Posted by: Napolean at November 15, 2006 12:28 PM

Isn't Noriega supposed to get out of jail in 2007? There's got to be another drug war waiting to give us an excuse to kill a couple thousand innocent civilians w/stealth bombers like we did in Panama.

Posted by: lou at November 15, 2006 02:28 PM

serious answer: yes, Cuba. Venezuela would be too hard to occupy (bad enough there's no oil coming from Iraq yet); Darfur is too namby-pamby and Clintonian (point is to look tough, not humanitarian); and invading Nicaragua doesn't win you votes in Miami. U.S. troops can "help" Cuba make the transition after Castro dies. Bonus: Guantanamo is so dang convenient for holding the dead-enders!

less serious answer: I can see the US arming a new "Northern Alliance" that marches down from Yellowknife and puts in place a government that makes Montanans looks like Marxists. Since Kharzai might be in exile by then, he might even be available to be the new puppet in Ottawa. (bonus: don't need to prove the existence of WMD; Canada already has a town named Uranium City)

Posted by: Whistler Blue at November 15, 2006 06:53 PM

American Samoa!

Posted by: Guest at November 16, 2006 03:36 AM

Don Escobar:

Back in the day, saw the Mouse, twice, as I recall.

Posted by: Jesus B. Ochoa at November 16, 2006 10:16 AM