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"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show

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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming

November 06, 2006

Stutts! Stutts! Stutts!

I well remember sitting next to my Stutts University classmate Mike Rubin as we took the required Introduction to Peevish Amour Propre freshman year. God, did Mike study hard, and it all paid off: Professor Blythewiggam gave him the highest score any Stuttsian has ever received. (Due to grade inflation, this was an AAA++++++++++++++++++++)

And just as we always knew he would, Mike has gone far in the world, as part of the neoconservative JV. He was interviewed for the upcoming Vanity Fair piece, previewed here:

Michael Rubin, former Pentagon Office of Special Plans and Coalition Provisional Authority staffer: "Where I most blame George Bush is that through his rhetoric people trusted him, people believed him. Reformists came out of the woodwork and exposed themselves." By failing to match his rhetoric with action, Rubin adds, Bush has betrayed Iraqi reformers in a way that is "not much different from what his father did on February 15, 1991, when he called the Iraqi people to rise up, and then had second thoughts and didn't do anything once they did."

Mike didn't take kindly to this "pre-election hit job" slur upon his honor:

re: Vanity Fair [Michael Rubin]
I stand by what I say—which is not different than what I have said elsewhere. But, perhaps it is time for Vanity Fair to publish the full transcripts of all interviews. If they have nothing to hide—for example taking quotes out of context—then they should have no worries. Vanity Fair: Publish the full transcripts. Now. Before the elections. Stop playing games.

We learned many things in Introduction to Peevish Amour Propre: how to take offense when the help at the club doesn't remember your favorite drink; why to end your cutting sarcastic remarks with a "good day, Sir!"; the three best vocal inflections to communicate your net worth; etc. But no one ever told us how to imply that a U.S. election turned on the publishing of the "full transcripts" of an interview with us.

Man, Mike should be TEACHING that class now!

Posted at November 6, 2006 11:19 AM | TrackBack

I think you're just trying to build up Stutts before you start taking bets on the upcoming Stutts-Bilgey game. Everybody knows Bilgey College works the refs, so I don't want any of that action. But good luck, Jon S.

Posted by: Jonathan Versen at November 6, 2006 05:58 PM

If Mike Rubin ends up as an instructor at Stutts, then he has obviously learned the first lesson in abject failure and will garner a successful second career in academia. In the words of George Bernard Shaw: "Those who can't do, teach!"

Posted by: JLaR at November 7, 2006 01:07 AM

I feel for the guy. Who among us has not publicly supported the bloody invasion and occupation of a country, despite the lack of a coherent, honest reason for attacking, and then been cast off when the attention turned to matters of "huh - the natives aren't too keen about us, and they seem to be killing each other at quite a rapid pace!" His honor, indeed. Let us stand with Mr. Rubin as he insists that he has been done wrong - for honor's sake!

Posted by: Lame Man at November 7, 2006 01:02 PM

I don't know if he should just stick to teaching the Freshman course. He is probably also capable of teaching advanced Narcissism to graduate students. Does Stutts offer a degree in it?

Posted by: Anna in Portland (was Cairo) at November 7, 2006 01:28 PM

I went to a religious cult university, one which invites parody merely by continuing to exist. Yet our freshman chastity class had required seminars in neo-colonialism, where Dr. Elder Bishop taught us that the proper and most efficient path to power was the one taken by Churchill. He said one should enlist in the fight against the natives, contrive to gain an honorable wound or at least be captured, write an entertaining memoir, and come home to stand for office.

Apparently the Stutts lessons focused more on manners than the classics or recent history, for while Mr. Rubin's ambitions seem Churchillian enough, he has set himself on a more MacMillan track, or perhaps a chamberlain's.

Posted by: MarcLord at November 7, 2006 02:12 PM