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November 01, 2006

Just When You Think It Can't Get Any Stupider

In this new kind of war, we must be willing to question the enemy when we pick them up on the battlefield. (Applause.) We have captured people like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who our intelligence community thinks was the mastermind of the September the 11th attacks. When we captured him, I said to the Central Intelligence Agency, why don't we find out what he knows in order to be able to protect America from another attack.

--George W. Bush, October 28, 2006

CIA Station, Islamabad, Pakistan. A CIA AGENT enters in a rush.

CIA AGENT: We captured Khalid Sheikh Mohammed!

CIA COMMANDER: That's great news. Now we must do what we've done with all captured enemies in 230 years of American history: refuse to question him.

CIA AGENT: Sir, permission to give Khalid Sheikh Mohammed a footrub? As has been done for all captured enemies in American history?

CIA COMMANDER: Permission granted, son! Also, if he mentions any upcoming attacks on America, put in your specially-designed CIA earplugs so you don't hear anything!


UNDERLING: Sir! The president has suggested that we find out what Khalid Sheikh Mohammed knows!

CIA COMMANDER: I don't understand. You mean -- the president has suggested that rather than actively making sure we don't learn anything from high-level enemies when we capture them, we should actually try to find out what they know?

UNDERLING: Yes sir! He says this is a new kind of war!

CIA COMMANDER: Dear god, that's brilliant! Only a maverick like our president could have conceived of such a bold scheme!

Posted at November 1, 2006 10:55 AM | TrackBack

Thank gawd we have such an intelligent guy in charge. Otherwise we wouldn't learn anything. (snark)

It boggles the mind how we survived before this.

Posted by: SPIIDERWEB™ at November 1, 2006 11:41 AM

The way he said it may be a bit absurdist, but that's only the result of his clumsily covering up what he actually meant: "When we captured him, I told the Central Intelligence Agency, why don't we [torture him to] find out what he knows in order to be able to protect America from another attack." Which is actually significant. Only a maverick like our president could have conceived of such a bloody scheme.

Posted by: saurabh at November 1, 2006 12:08 PM

Saurabh wrote:

"When we captured him, I told the Central Intelligence Agency, why don't we [torture him to] find out what he knows in order to be able to protect America from another attack."

I like this interpretation. However, the problem is that used these technics even in the 'old wars' --so what is so significant about the sentence "In this new kind of war" which indicates it is a new kind, not just another war! I think the administration's arrogance is once again the culprit here. They can help but think to themselves how great they are: WE came up with a "new kind of war" and a "novel solution", which brings us back to the Nazis...

Jon, your fictitious dialog must be music to Bush's ears!!! I am sure he is contemplating as to whether to ask you to be his next speech writer:)

Posted by: Dimitria at November 1, 2006 12:34 PM

Whoever invented Bush's schtick is a genius. It's amazing how much mileage he's gotten out of pretending to be dumber than he really is in order to conceal how evil he really is. And we just keep eating it up, cause everybody's waiting for somebody else to figure out what to do, and nobody can believe that somebody who acts like an alcoholic, petty-larcenist, lowest-ten-percent, bullshit-artist pharmaceuticals rep from Galveston is actually up there representing the most powerful nation on earth. People with half a brain are dumbfounded by the irony.

Posted by: Guest at November 1, 2006 12:43 PM

This reminds me of a conversation I had years ago with some fellow workers at a summer job, who seemed to think that we needed the death penalty because too many criminals were getting released early from prison. Two different issues entirely (since the alternative to the death penalty is life in prison, not early release), but close enough to confuse people.

Similarly, Bush et al hope that you think if the government is not waterboarding someone, it will turn them loose to join Willie Horton on a killing spree in your neighborhood. That is, given a choice between two stupid alternatives, you'll ignore the effective one actually advocated by liberals.

Posted by: Whistler Blue at November 1, 2006 01:54 PM

You mean in the "new war" the Sergeant Schultz defense no longer works? "I KNOW NOZZZINK!"

Sort of sums up humanity's general sense of things.

Posted by: donescobar at November 1, 2006 02:52 PM

Are you moonlighting for ABC?

Posted by: me at November 1, 2006 03:10 PM

I think that is a fairly good statement coming from someone who graduated from Yale with half of his brain still intact. But I think all in all that it is a toss up between Bush and Kerry, who just committed political suicide, not that I care, as to who is dumber, they both seem to be dumber than dirt.

Posted by: rob payne at November 1, 2006 07:54 PM

Not only that, but no snacks or naptime until they answer the questions. We might even make them listen to Poison and Night Ranger for several hours.

Posted by: Jonathan Versen at November 1, 2006 10:37 PM

Just when you think it can't get any more stupid, someone writes in requesting that everybody sing-along to an updated version of the old Spike Jones classic my mommy and daddy used to sing to me when I was mere tyke:

"Vehn der Fuhrer says 'Vee ist der master race' vee Heil, PTTTT! Heil, PTTTT! Right in der Fuhrer's face. Not to luff der Fuhrer iss a great disgrace so vee Heil, PTTTT! Heil, PTTTT! Right in Herr Bush's face!"

Kerry just exposed a much blacker side of his political personality today by standing by his old Bonesman buddy with that embarrassing apology! Too bad nobody in either party has the courage to stand up and 'PTTTT!' right in our Fuhrer's face!

Posted by: JLaR at November 2, 2006 12:46 AM

is this an ad for Guinness?

i sure feel like i could go for one right about now

Posted by: almostinfamous at November 2, 2006 07:18 AM
In this new kind of war, we must be willing to question the enemy when we pick them up on the battlefield. (Applause.)

English language is gone. We all should ignore the abracadabra and start hable español. Now, while some of us (hopefully) are still sane.

Posted by: abb1 at November 2, 2006 02:31 PM

"...and while yew got his head under water, why don't you get that ignerint towel-head to confess that he's a witch, tew? I betcha he is, dang it."

Rove's eyes light up when Bush says, "...pick them up on the battlefield."

Like the "Active Duty" guys? Rove thinks...

Posted by: jimbo92107 at November 3, 2006 08:44 PM

All those muslim men wear dresses, I bet they are pansies. Jest like the Scotch.

Posted by: Georgie at November 3, 2006 09:12 PM

Scotch is a drink.

Posted by: Ummm at November 4, 2006 07:06 AM

Scotch is not a pansie drink and neither are the men like myself who wear a kilt

Posted by: Lamzy at November 5, 2006 12:30 PM