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"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show

"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket

"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming

May 14, 2006

Dog Whistle Politics FROM BEYOND THE STARS

George Bush is notorious for his use of dog whistle politics—that is, references in speeches that strike most people as innocuous if peculiar, but are freighted with great meaning for certain constituencies. For instance, in one of the 2004 debates, Bush said he wouldn't appoint anyone to the Supreme Court who would condone the Dred Scott decision. This was confusing, given that this question seemed to have been definitively settled by the Civil War. But it turns out "Dred Scott" is actually religious right-speak for Roe v. Wade. It was inaudible to almost everyone else, but they heard what he was saying.

Yet few have noticed Bush's secret messages to an even more terrifying group of supporters. Take his speech from the 2004 convention:

Like generations before us, we have a calling from beyond the stars to stand for freedom.

This was such an important point he repeated it on Inauguration Day:

We have a calling from beyond the stars to stand for freedom.

This seems weird but essentially meaningless...unless, that is, you are familiar with the Necronomicon of the Mad Arab Abdul Alhazred:

I hear the Crawling Chaos that calls from beyond the stars...

Or as it was put by H.P. Lovecraft himself: with minds sensitive to hereditary impulse will always tremble at the thought of the hidden and fathomless worlds of strange life which may pulsate in the gulfs beyond the stars...

That's right! Bush was directing these references not to us, but to the specialest special interest of all:


Moreover, as the End Times approach and R'lyeh prepares to rise from the sea, Bush is getting more and more overt about this. Indeed, according to advance copies, his prime time speech tomorrow will conclude with these words:

My fellow Americans: the Old Ones were, the Old Ones are, and the Old Ones shall be! Yog-Sothoth knows the gate! Yog-Sothoth is the gate!


So, here's some advice from an old political hand: when Cthulhu awakes, try if at all possible to be among the first to be eaten.

Posted at May 14, 2006 02:42 PM | TrackBack

You are FUCKING HILARIOUS. Seriously, thank you. This post of yours had me cracking up.

Posted by: randomlurker at May 14, 2006 04:25 PM

I discovered H.P. Lovecraft about 30 years ago and I think one of the first stories I read was the Call of Cthulhu and have long suspected that Bush is indeed one and the same as that hideous protoplasmic demon sleeping at the bottom of the sea in Rhyleh where with the passing of strange eons even death can die. I mark a certain resemblance to the picture you provided especially around the eyes. Though of course my all time favorite is At the Mountains of Madness, Tiki-liki-li, tiki-liki-li! The Mountains of Madness was supposedly inspired by this part of an Edgar Allan Poe poem,

As the lavas that restlessly roll

Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek

In the ultimate climes of the pole—

That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek

In the realms of the boreal pole.

Of course the plot of the story is a bit at odds with Bush’s propensity to hear the voice of God but it is now clear to me that we cannot be certain which God he is referring too. The only thing that is certain is that when someone tells me they hear voices my first reaction is to find an excuse to get away as soon as possible within the bounds of accepted protocol. Yet somehow Bush can say he hears voices and people want to sit down and have a beer with him, hard to figure yet true enough. Of course the more radical “pro-lifers� see fit to shoot doctors who do abortions thus proving their firm beliefs in the sanctity of life. It reminds me of the people who make loud noises about supporting the troops though it is a bit unclear what that entails. My first impression is that what they mean by supporting the troops is to send them into strange lands far from the boreal pole where they can be shot or blown to pieces. But if one discards the assumption that these are thinking people well then it is a little easier to understand but not much.

Meanwhile Bush continues to invoke “The Lurking Fear� in his flock so that he may indulge in the “Crawling Chaos� that is present day Iraq.

Posted by: rob payne at May 14, 2006 05:30 PM

Although Jon's revelation may sound on the surface like bad news, it also points to a means of salvation: since, as everyone knows, the Old Ones use right angles to enter human space-time, all we have to do is to add plaster to the corners of our rooms so that all right angles are eliminated.

I think that this covers NSA eavesdropping as well, but I'm not sure.

Posted by: Ian Mason at May 14, 2006 05:39 PM

I think I'll cover myself with honey. That should make me irresistible to Cthulhu.

And, barring that, it could prove to be interesting anyway.

Posted by: spiiderweb at May 14, 2006 08:17 PM
I think I'll cover myself with honey. That should make me irresistible to Cthulhu.

Heh. Indeed.

Posted by: Kay Thule-Oh at May 14, 2006 09:49 PM

Reminiscent also of Schiller's "Ode to Joy" immortalized in Beethoven's Ninth:

"Be embraced, Millions!
This kiss for all the world!
Brothers!, above the starry canopy
A loving father must dwell.

Can you sense the Creator, world?
Seek him above the starry canopy.
Above the stars He must dwell."

Of course, Schiller's lines,
"Your magic reunites
What custom's sword separates;
Beggars become princes' brothers
Where your gentle wing alights."
are somewhat antithetical to BushCo's every thought and deed. Ain't no beggars allowed anywhere near the imperial palace.

Posted by: cavanaghjam at May 15, 2006 02:35 AM

Bottom Line:

Bush can eat me.

Posted by: Aaron Datesman at May 15, 2006 08:03 AM

this isn't about all the money we're borrowing from the Cthulhu, is it?

Posted by: Jonathan Versen at May 15, 2006 11:33 AM

"I had a `Cthulhu for President 2012: Why Vote The Lesser Evil?' faux bumper sticker hanging in my cubicle throughout the 2004 elections. I always thought there was more to that, but could never prove it. Thanks ATR!"

-- Another satisfying customer

Posted by: James Cape at May 15, 2006 06:45 PM

La di da, Mr. Big Mean Cthulhu. Flying Spaghetti Monster will hand him his ass, then the free beer will flow.

Posted by: Tirebiter in Sector R at May 16, 2006 07:50 AM

too funny.........I remember during the Nixon era
Watergate hearings being mysteriously drawn to H.P.Lovecrafts graveside at the Swan Point Cemetary in Providence, RI...I thought it was the mescaline but now I know it was politics....thanks for the insight and comic relief

Posted by: zt666 at May 16, 2006 07:16 PM