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April 16, 2006



ABC News:

Last year, Exxon made the biggest profit of any company ever, $36 billion, and its retiring chairman appears to be reaping the benefits.

Exxon is giving Lee Raymond one of the most generous retirement packages in history, nearly $400 million, including pension, stock options and other perks, such as a $1 million consulting deal, two years of home security, personal security, a car and driver, and use of a corporate jet for professional purposes.

Wow. That's a huge retirement package. And I think it's pretty obvious where he's been keeping it....

Okay, it's your turn. Does anybody have a better caption for this photo? Shouldn't be hard.

(Jon, is this too cruel? Too late now, I guess.)

Posted by Seth

Posted at April 16, 2006 07:04 PM | TrackBack

"Global Warming is melting my face"

Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at April 16, 2006 07:36 PM

"Now that I'm retired, I hope to have time to read the work of this 'Thomas Nast' people keep telling me about."

Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at April 16, 2006 08:20 PM

I am really a pelican and you wouldn't believe what's in my craw.....

Posted by: at April 16, 2006 08:21 PM

"God, I'm such an asshole."

Oops! Forgot to be subtle and clever.

What a fucking dickhead.

Posted by: Sully at April 16, 2006 08:53 PM

Since when did Jabba the Hutt also get into the oil racket?

Posted by: En Ming Hee at April 16, 2006 09:19 PM

ExxonMobil chairman Lee Raymond, pictured above. As part of the company's 1999 merger deal, Raymond agreed to swallow former Mobil Oil chairman Rex W. Tillerson, along with half a dozen senior executives. Hours later, Raymond eliminated more than 3,700 employees (Reuters)

Posted by: Seth Ackerman at April 16, 2006 09:24 PM

...well, nobody said life had to be fair, cheap, safe, or make any sense!

...$400 million ...for friggin' retirement?!

Posted by: Darryl Pearce at April 16, 2006 09:53 PM

two years of home security, personal security,

Anyone else think of Syriana?

Hours later, Raymond eliminated more than 3,700 employees

What a terrifying double entendre.

Posted by: Saheli at April 16, 2006 10:08 PM

So, the population of the US is nearing 300 million, correct? This guy could literally give each citizen a million bucks and _still_ have enough to hire the best plastic surgeon and extreme makeover team to attend to that 'wattle'. But no. He keeps all the dough and stays ugly.

Posted by: mk at April 16, 2006 10:26 PM

You guys are just jealous. You don't understand what America is all about: if you would only work hard you too could make $400 million and have no chin.

Posted by: JustZisGuy at April 17, 2006 03:48 AM

"So, the population of the US is nearing 300 million, correct?"

Roundabout, yes.

"This guy could literally give each citizen a million bucks"

Sorry to be a spoilsport, but 400 million divided by 300 million is a little over 1, not a little over 1 million. U.S. citizens should be provided with a handy guide book for those large numbers their government - and large corporations - have to deal with:

1000 times 1000 is 1 million
1000 times 1 million is 1 billion
1000 times 1 billion is 1 trillion
(For the advanced class)
1 million times 1 million is 1 trillion
(For the really advanced class)
The Brits use 1 billion to mean what the USians mean by 1 trillion (aka 10^12)

The quoted Exxon profit of $36 billion works out to about $120 per U.S. citizen. Now, if you want to talk trillions: the Bush government has added nearly $3 trillion to the U.S. government debt - that's $10,000 per person.

Oh, and while I'm being all serious here (sorry), I should point out that the writer of the ABC News article is mistaken to link large Exxon profits to high gasoline prices - at least directly. The vast majority of the profit comes from high crude oil prices, the actual additional profit from refining is relatively small. The reason crude oil prices are high is primarily due to an incredibly voracious appetite for energy (not just gasoline for vehicles, though that's a significant part of it) in the United States, along with a very quickly rising demand in India and China. It doesn't help that Iraq's supply is down (gee, wonder why) or that the market is very worried about the continued supply from Iran (ditto). Ironically, the rate at which the U.S. military burns through fuel is a not-completely insignificant factor as well (supposedly it's about 400,000 barrels per day, about the same consumption as Greece. No doubt the mainstream car culture will continue to blame oil company executives and "aliens" (Chavez, plus those pesky Arabs) for the "problem" of high energy prices, right up to the point at which it becomes common knowledge that oil production has passed its peak and $500/barrel prices are here to stay.

Not that I expect that to happen tomorrow, but consider that the price is currently roughly $70 per barrel and common wisdom a couple of years ago would have suggested such price levels would result in a massive worldwide recession. USians are still buying thousands of SUVs and pickups... what if we are at the peak, or within a year or two of hitting it?

Posted by: at April 17, 2006 05:27 AM

And what if the sky is blue? And what if the U.S. attacks Iran? And what if it's all over and I'm sober?

Number one on the list of reasons to start stockpiling rum. Not that it's a short list.

Posted by: Sully at April 17, 2006 07:56 AM

All that money and that guy can't take care of the tumor in his neck?

Posted by: looloo at April 17, 2006 09:15 AM

With his retirement, analysts are speculating about the value of Lee Raymond's face as an alternative energy supply.

Posted by: Tim at April 17, 2006 09:48 AM

It's not a tumor if it's filled with.....

Posted by: Aaron Datesman at April 17, 2006 10:20 AM

Jonathan, I've been won over by Raymond's winning smile. Since the great man's toilet time during the average day earns him more than the average yearly income of people in, say, Cameroon, I've been thinking that his scat should replace the faces of our loser politicians -- Washington, Lincoln, etc. -- on our currency. I don't think Lincoln earned as much in his lifetime as Raymond earned in three days at Exxon. And since money is the measure of a man's value, surely this means a single Raymond week is two and a third time more valuable than Lincoln's whole life.

I'm hoping you are behind me in this quest.

It would signal a whole new era in American money, plus tell the world about who rules in these here states, dedicated as we are to the magic of the marketplace.

Posted by: roger at April 17, 2006 11:07 AM

Where's outsourcing when you need it? I bet they could find someone in India who could retire for a fraction of the cost of Lee Raymond. Maybe hire 386,000 Indians to retire for $1000 each, and they could produce a whole lot more retirement than him.

But since that won't happen, with any luck Exxon will treat this retirement package the way corporate America generally treats pensions, and by this time next year will say "sorry, Lee, but we forgot to set aside the money to pay for this; you're on your own unless the Federal government picks up the tab."

Posted by: Whistler Blue at April 17, 2006 01:11 PM

I think it's obvious that Mr. Raymond has used a small fraction of his cash to retire to his secret base on Jupiter, where, despite massive skeletal reconstruction with titanium and carbon nanotubes, his jowls still show the effects of the intense Jovian gravity.

A photo of his entire body would show that he has taken on the form of the entire food pyramid.

Posted by: steve at April 17, 2006 01:50 PM

weh weh weh weh weh...

Posted by: Jonathan Versen at April 17, 2006 01:56 PM

"While Mr. Raymond's retirement package was estimated at $400 million, he refused to disclose the exact amount his 20-pound personal assistant and part-time skin-beard, Jeff, would receive."

Posted by: Adam at April 17, 2006 02:18 PM

Repugnican Base feeds at the trough of still classified energy policy while assuring fellow congressional Repugnicans, "We're all in this together".

Posted by: Dan at April 17, 2006 02:38 PM

Ah, Mister Blue, don't confuse the mere mortal pension plans of workers, which can evanesce at the whim of a Reagan appointed judge, with the pension plans of upper management. The contractual obligations are much different, as is the insurance. Exxon could go bankrupt tomorrow, but the CEO overseeing the bankruptcy would make sure that Raymond got his millions.

I mean, for a second there, I suspected you of lèse-CEO, which, under a new corporate reform enacted last December, can subject you to indefinite time in the Bastille.

Posted by: roger at April 17, 2006 03:05 PM

I know, Roger, but a guy can dream, can't he?

This picture also makes me think of an old Talking Heads song "Seen and Not Seen." Lyrics:

He would see faces in movies, on t.v., in magazines, and in books....
He thought that some of these faces might be right for him....and
Through the years, by keeping an ideal facial structure fixed in his
Mind....or somewhere in the back of his mind....that he might, by
Force of will, cause his face to approach those of his ideal....the
Change would be very might take ten years or so....
Gradually his face would change its’ shape....a more hooked nose...
Wider, thinner lips....beady eyes....a larger forehead.

He imagined that this was an ability he shared with most other
People....they had also molded their faces according to some
Ideal....maybe they imagined that their new face would better
Suit their personality....or maybe they imagined that their
Personality would be forced to change to fit the new appear-
Ance....this is why first impressions are often correct...
Although some people might have made mistakes....they may have
Arrived at an appearance that bears no relationship to them....
They may have picked an ideal appearance based on some childish
Whim, or momentary impulse....some may have gotten half-way
There, and then changed their minds.

He wonders if he too might have made a similar mistake

Posted by: Whistler Blue at April 17, 2006 04:53 PM

$338 million will buy a lot of Whoppers with jumbo fries, yum-yum!

Posted by: barrisj at April 17, 2006 04:54 PM

Like potato chips, I can't stop at just one post on this. Another possible caption:

"Lee, this is Anna Nicole Smith returning your call. Sorry, but with a face like that, even $400 million isn't enough. Please stop calling me."

Posted by: Whistler Blue at April 17, 2006 05:18 PM

"Baron Harkonnen, the 'Laughing Fat Man', after handing over control of Arrakis and the lucratuive spice trade to the Atreides"

Posted by: floopmeister at April 17, 2006 10:47 PM

eric cartman, age 65. still a total dick

Posted by: almostinfamous at April 17, 2006 11:20 PM

My friend Lyn contributes "My chin is only the tip of the iceberg of my gluttony"

Posted by: Maezeppa at April 18, 2006 06:35 AM

"Among the Hut, the size of the neck wattle denotes power and status..."

Posted by: Dan at April 18, 2006 09:26 AM

well, here goes nothing:

Unlike most oil executives, when Mr. Raymond invites you to sit on his face, he thoughtfully provides an ottoman.

Posted by: krimur at April 18, 2006 10:21 AM

krimur hates my stomach, clearly.

Posted by: Saheli at April 18, 2006 06:02 PM

you should see the other guy.

Posted by: mdhatter at April 18, 2006 10:32 PM

I can't tell if he looks more like Jabba the Hut or the Family Guy!

Posted by: Hunter Gatherer at April 19, 2006 08:34 AM

Well All This Gas Problem could be Solved, if People start their own homebased business.

There are so many advantages- Here are Three:

1. You Don't have to burn up your hard earn money on high price gaseoline

2. You don't have to deal with hassle of your boss and other employees

3. You have the freedom to do what you want


Posted by: nigel morgan at April 19, 2006 09:57 AM

"...I am the Walrus..."

Posted by: GreginOz at April 20, 2006 12:32 AM

"Han, mah bukee, keel-ee caleya ku kah. Wanta dah moole-rah? Wonkee chee sa crispa con Greedo?"

Posted by: Phoenician in a time of Romans at April 20, 2006 05:17 PM

Mumps epidemic spreads.

Posted by: Joe at April 20, 2006 05:32 PM

What do you mean - "I should swallow my food?"

Posted by: colin at April 21, 2006 10:54 AM