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March 12, 2006

Libby To Receive Valuable Advice On Gutting And Eating Dogs

Recently I wondered what exactly Fred Malek is doing on Scooter Libby's "Advisory Committee." Why would Libby want someone notorious for carrying out some of the Nixon administration's most heinous activities (including Jew counting, ordering FBI investigations of journalists, and being chief architect of the highly illegal "responsiveness program")?

Now the answer is clear -- while Malek did do those unpleasant things, they are outweighed by his positive attributes; specifically, his experience in killing, gutting, and eating dogs:

On a Friday in August 1959, five men in their twenties were arrested about 2 a.m...

After checking the blood-spattered pants of one of the men at the state crime laboratory in Springfield, it was determined that the stains were animal and not human blood. [Sherriff Harry] Backes said the men then changed their story and said they had "caught a dog and were barbecuing it."

Police then found the skinned animal on a spit in the park. The insides of the dog had been removed, and a bottle of liquor was found on a nearby park table. Backes said the men told him they had been drinking earlier in the evening at a West Bluff tavern.

One of the men arrested in the incident, in which a dog was killed, skinned, gutted and barbecued on a spit, was Frederick V. Malek, 22, of Berwyn, Ill.

You can understand why Libby would spot this on Malek's resume and think: I want this guy on my team! If I understand the issue correctly, psychologists believe there's a high correlation between torturing animals and later defending unjustly persecuted government officials.

That's right, isn't it? I think the classic example is Jeffrey Dahmer.

ALSO: I'm pleased to see Malek's present day explanation --

...I spoke with Malek by phone yesterday. He said he and O'Meara went to Peoria in the summer of '59 to visit friends at Bradley University. They got drunk out of their minds at the time. He said he didn't know why O'Meara had killed the dog, that he was not a participant and that he was in no position to stop it.

-- tracks very closely with Stephen Colbert's account of why he killed and ate a panda:

In my own defense, Jon, it was dark, I was drunk, and it was delicious.

Posted at March 12, 2006 12:43 PM | TrackBack

You're on a roll. Of course at this rate. by the end of the week I may be forced to check myself into hospital for bulimia.

Note to self: try not to eat in the United States, ever.

Posted by: Saheli at March 12, 2006 02:08 PM

You're a frightfully good blogger, my dear. Would that I ever had time to read blogs anymore, when not (as now) procrastinating from studying for 5 exams in the next 12 days. You've given me more pleasure today than all the psychoactive drugs in my cheat-sheet.

Posted by: BionOc at March 12, 2006 02:41 PM

He said he didn't know why O'Meara had killed the dog, that he was not a participant and that he was in no position to stop it.

funny, that. i think we're gonna hear a lot of variations on that theme in about 2 years from now. unless there's more diebold goodness, in which case free (re-education)camp for everyone!

Posted by: almostinfamous at March 12, 2006 08:16 PM

Ahh, whaddaya expect from a guy from Berwyn?

Posted by: Mike from Oak Park, IL at March 13, 2006 12:30 PM

In Korea, they have been eating dogs for generations. Maybe he is just trying out Korean cuisine?

Posted by: En Ming Hee at March 13, 2006 09:08 PM

Hey! Watch the Berwyn slamming, Mike. I've lived here for a year now and have yet to skin and cook a dog.

Posted by: LS from Berwyn, IL at March 14, 2006 01:04 PM

He qualifies for employment in this administration! But he can't get to the high ranks without proof that he tortured the dog before killing it!

Posted by: babaloo at April 5, 2007 12:50 PM

Tsk tsk tsk. What would Rick Santorum or Bill Frist say about this?

Rick would say it was OK as long as he didn't fuck the dog's carcass and Frist would've given him tips on how to skin it.

Because, after all, IOKIYAR.

Posted by: jurassicpork at April 6, 2007 05:37 PM