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April 06, 2005

My First Acts As Pope

Within the next few weeks, the College of Cardinals will meet and elect a new pope. Unless I've completely misunderstood the process, I expect that new pope to be me.

In my first acts as pope, I shall:

1. Choose my pope name: "Pope Pope the Popey I"

2. Graciously accept payment from all the people who bet me I wouldn't be pope

3. Break with Vatican protocol by granting my first interview to Martha Stewart Living

4. Break with Vatican protocol by recording a duet of "Islands in the Stream" with Dolly Parton

5. Excommunicate anyone who questions either of these decisions

6. Now that I'm famous, start asking out supermodels

7. Declare that the "Rock" upon whom the church is built is not Peter, but the movie star and pro wrestler

8. Stop chewing tobacco, at least in public

9. Get into a brawl with the Dalai Lama

10. Finally read the Bible

Posted at April 6, 2005 06:38 AM | TrackBack

Until now, the Popemobile has been seen as strictly defensive. Why don't you, Pope Pope the Popey I, demonstrate some of its offensive capabilities?

And see about making Orwell a saint, while you're at it. And Christmas in July? You could make it happen!

Posted by: Bob at April 6, 2005 07:52 AM

The heck with making Orwell a saint, how about Charles Darwin? And Margaret Sanger?

Posted by: bifemmefatale at April 6, 2005 08:26 AM

We are not limited to one saint per papal term

Posted by: Alexis at April 6, 2005 08:48 AM

While you're at it, why don't you create a Pope Pope the Popey I living will -- turning all financial and legal responsibility in the event of permanant vegetative state over to Jeb Bush.

Thanks for a great blog.

Posted by: elisa at April 6, 2005 10:47 AM

I was watching American Idol and The Starlet last night and thought, "Now that's a 21st-way to pick a pope!" If they want to keep all the kids that the old pontiff brought it, they'd better get on the stick and make it hip.

Oh, and the Dalai Lama will kick your ass. He's wiry, but strong. And no using your big hat to headbut . . .

Posted by: Rob at April 6, 2005 10:57 AM

The Left must be disappointed.


This news must REALLY PISS-OFF and DISAPPOINT the Left.

Only last week, most of the talking heads on the Left were palpably RELIEVED that John Paul II was DYING. Hell, the Leftists had promptly started wagging their “I told you he had a urinary tract infection” fingers in our neo-con faces.


IN FACT: Your side is losing, so-called Popey Pope the Pope I!

Posted by: Mike at April 6, 2005 12:08 PM

It would be nice if as one of your first acts you issue an official God-sanctioned explanation of why bunnies and eggs are used to celebrate the Resurrection.

Also, I would like to be appointed Vice-Pope. I promise to be a grumpy power behind the throne, and I'm looking forward to holding closed-door secret meetings with Relics Lobbyists to come up with a Relics Policy for the 21st century.

Posted by: Ted at April 6, 2005 12:11 PM

Father Guido said that the pope could just "waive" the miracle requirements for sainthood, so you can annoint whoever you want.

Posted by: Colin at April 6, 2005 12:14 PM

As pope, are you actually required to shit in the woods, or is that just one of the perks? Also, if you do shit in the woods, you might want to avoid kissing the ground.

Posted by: WIIIAI at April 6, 2005 12:47 PM

You might not want to mess with the Dalai Lama...
He's tough.

Posted by: jillian at April 6, 2005 12:48 PM

New Church slogan:

"It's Pope-a-delic!"

Posted by: Bob Slocum at April 6, 2005 12:52 PM

And you should anoint people with a Supersoaker full of holy water.

Posted by: Bob Slocum at April 6, 2005 12:54 PM

You can't make Orwell a saint - he has a bad attitude towards the saintly:

All saints should be guilty until proven innocent Orwell, G

Posted by: floopmeister at April 7, 2005 12:43 AM

Dear His Holiest Excellency Pope Pope The Popey I:

Please make it a sin for parents to name their child Noah or Jacob. No idle threats, either. This should be a bona fide Lake of Fire sin - the works - with zero chance of parole. Making it retroactive would be the cherry on top.

Thanks in advance.

Posted by: Arvin Hill at April 8, 2005 12:07 AM

Change number 3 to: Break with Vatican protocol by granting my first interview to Byron Allen

Posted by: UltraRobotMode at March 12, 2013 12:43 PM