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May 08, 2005

If We Join Forces, We Can Become A "Large Tranche"

Dennis Perrin told me about a recent Christopher Hitchens column in which Hitchens said this:

A large tranche of the once-secular liberal left has disqualified itself by making excuses for jihad and treating Osama bin Laden as if he were advocating liberation theology.

This is an extremely cogent insight, and I'm sure everyone appreciates Mr. Hitchens bringing this to our attention. However, it does have one small flaw: it is completely insane.

But that's where we come in! Currently Hitchens' statement bears no relation to reality... but if we put our minds to it, we can make it RETROACTIVELY true.

What do you think? I will get the ball rolling, below. If enough people are willing to make similar points, I will forward this to Mr. Hitchens. Then in the future he can cite this as evidence for his assertion, instead of being forced to fall back on the "make shit up" strategy.

So: as a member in good standing of the once-secular liberal left, I hereby declare:

1. We shouldn't criticize the terrorists who killed 3,000 people on September 11, 2001, because they were suffering from an itchy rash.

2. Osama bin Laden is a moral figure akin to Oscar Romero and should be sainted by the Catholic Church. Also, I support his Green Party candidacy for the Boulder City Council.

Now it's your turn. Just remember, we need enough people here to qualify as a "large tranche." So I'm thinking three or four at least.

Posted at May 8, 2005 12:20 PM | TrackBack

As a tranche dweller, I have to add that a faith-based murder spree does not necessarily make the terrorists bad people. They may have had their reasons, and it ill bevooves us to rush to judge them. Their leader, maligned by some as a theocratic loon embarked on a campaign to make the Middle East even nastier than it already is, does have some redeeming qualities. He's true to his cause, for one, and he has never eaten a boiled puppy on Fox News. He would make a good running mate for any number of Green or Democratic presidential candidates.

Posted by: Harry at May 8, 2005 01:00 PM

My bumper sticker reads: Tranche Dwellers *Heart* Osama

p.s. whatsa tranche? I'm thinking it's some kind of trailer-park.

Posted by: mk at May 8, 2005 04:29 PM

Young Hitchens has fallen victim to that horrible malady that struck so many WW 1 doughboys: Tranche Mouth. The victims always veer off to the right mumbling about religion, cattle prods and why your local police should be armed with tactical nukes and so forth....

Posted by: kfh at May 8, 2005 05:04 PM

I heard the restoration of the caliphate should bring about the rapture in which only once-secular liberal leftists will be saved. As a once-secular liberal leftist I dig it. I sure do, man.

Posted by: abb1 at May 8, 2005 05:35 PM

For decades I've been trying to call attention to the rampant racism in America's flying schools, especially in Florida. Men of Middle Eastern descent are typically given out-dated textbooks and spend most of their training time with an old Windows 3.1 version of Flight Simulator running on 386 computers. They get the worst instructors and the crappiest planes to train in. The fact that the pilot who was supposed to hit the north tower hit the south tower instead, and vice versa, can in no way be blamed on the laudably faith-based Osama bin Laden; the institutionalized racism of our corrupt flight-school industry is entirely to blame.

Posted by: Bob at May 8, 2005 06:07 PM

I actually had the opportunity to meet Mr. bin Laden in 1985 (he insisted I call him Sammy). We caught a late screening of "Hannah and Her Sisters," then talked about Grecian eudamonia until the morning light.

He explained to me that, as a member of the religious right himself, he often felt "left out" (he was a witty, clever man) by the Reagan administration.

When will the right ever learn that they lose allies every time they discriminate-- be it against homosexuals, immigrants or mass murderers?

Posted by: Matthew Sullivan at May 8, 2005 09:29 PM

Osama Bin Laden is a good and true Muslim, he has a sense of guilt, and will kill only for high principles and important human values and to preserve the social order, much like the liberal Western nations, who are Christians, have a sense of guilt, and kill only for high principles and important human values and to preserve the social order.

Posted by: En Ming Hee at May 8, 2005 10:58 PM

Some people say "every time you buy something from Walmart you support terrorism, Hugo." Other people tell me the more cheap Chinese-made stuff I get from Walmart, the more I'm creating jobs, both here and in China. Well, mainly in China.

I'm confused Jonathan. Am I supporting terrorism or creating jobs? Is our economy in a tranche? Am I in a tranche? I do feel a little woozy.

Posted by: Hugo at May 8, 2005 11:08 PM


Osama Bin Laden is really just trying to tease the western world into practicing real democracy, dintjaknow ?

The 3,000 or so deaths attributed to al Qaeda are just what an average Lieutenant or Captain in Iraq can lay claim to .. just a teaser.

Posted by: Jon at May 9, 2005 12:03 PM

As a secular leftist, I firmly believe:

1. It is so typically hypocritical for us rich Westerners to criticize these so-called "fanatical terrorists," many of whom grew up with minimal or even non-existent access to the X-Box.

2. Like the liberation theologists of El Salvador, Bin Laden has established a vibrant network of "ecclesiastical base communities" where lots of people end up getting beheaded.

Posted by: Seth Ackerman at May 10, 2005 03:11 AM

Bin Laden killed three thousand innocent people for reasons he made clear to the world. He was wrong and is a criminal. George Bush killed one hundred thousand innocent people in a country having nothing to do with the actions of Bin Laden for reasons he will never make clear to the world. He was wrong and is a criminal. Bin Laden will be brought to justice. George Bush will not. Bin Laden will be held accountable. George Bush will not. As long as the powerful control justice and write history in their favor, men like these will be among us, and there will be little true moral distinction between their actions.

Posted by: Gary King at May 11, 2005 07:46 PM

I'll give it a tranche-worthy try:

The evil mainstream media has repeatedly ignored the contributions made by flying planes into the WTC and killing 3,000 people. They, of course, liberated some of those people, who were (probably) women, people of color, the poor and the working class, from continuing to suffer in low-wage, dead-end jobs serving the needs of the wealthy as janitors, waitrons, support staff, etc.

I anxiously await my once-secular liberal left badge and secret decoder ring.

Posted by: Ravenmn at May 12, 2005 08:43 PM

add me to the tranche

Posted by: Bud at May 15, 2005 09:06 AM