You may only read this site if you've purchased Our Kampf from Amazon or Powell's or me
• • •
"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show

"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket

"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming

April 29, 2005

Happy Birthday To My Tree

Today is Arbor Day. Thirty Arbor Days ago in 1975 I was in kindergarten. On that day my school gave each student a pine sprig in a small paper cup, with instructions to take it home and plant it. Both my sister and I did as we were told.

Oh, those were difficult years. I spent many grueling hours teaching my tree how to photosynthesize. Later I coached it through an (unsuccessful) application to law school. In the end, though, it all paid off. Over the past three decades my tree has thrived, growing from about four inches tall to a handsome 25-30 feet. (Weirdly, during the same time period I've actually gotten shorter.) My parents still live in the same house, and today they took a picture of the tree for me, which is below.

Why no picture of my sister's tree? Well, for many years my sister's tree was much shorter than mine, which brought me great satisfaction. Unfortunately, it has recently caught up to my tree and perhaps passed it. Thus, I am unwilling to let it share the limelight. It's just pure spite.

Posted at April 29, 2005 12:02 PM | TrackBack

Gorgeous Tree! Arbor Day, eh? Reminds me to go hug a couple of trees...

and cyber hug some sequoias...

Posted by: jillian at April 29, 2005 01:06 PM

It's like I always say, give a man a fish and he'll feed himself for one meal. Teach a man to photosynthesize, and he'll probably get skin cancer. Or something.

I do remember learning in elementary school that trees made their own food from sunlight and standing outside trying to figure out what muscle to flex so that I could do it too. I never did figure it out.

Posted by: Ted at April 29, 2005 04:48 PM

Are you half of twins?

That explains a lot.

Posted by: Matthew Sullivan at April 30, 2005 03:16 PM


Actually, my sister is a few years older than me. The oppression I suffered at her hands during my earlier years has thus given me sympathy for all the downtrodden of the earth. Man, I've been there.

Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at May 1, 2005 07:04 PM

Did your tree apply at Stanford? I think their mascot is some sort of tree, and I hear its not half bad, as law schools go. I think Warren Christopher went there, and he was pretty wooden. Anyway, it looks like a hell of a tree,and you should be proud.

Posted by: Hugo at May 2, 2005 02:49 AM