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• • •
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"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming

April 25, 2005

The Main Problem With Richard Nixon? He Wasn't Anti-Semitic Enough

Daniel Ellsberg has posted transcripts on his website from the sections of the Nixon White House tapes that refer to him. According to Ellsberg, these are the first transcripts made of these particular tapes. And this is a shame, because they are further evidence that Richard Nixon was completely insane.

Specifically, Nixon seems unable to speak more than three words without referring to "the Jews." "The Jews" are conspiring against him. "The Jews" have taken over the State Department. "The Jews" are hiding in his breakfast cereal.

Of course, reading the actual transcripts takes time. So to save you the trouble, I've made up the following dialogue—which, while not technically real, is an accurate representation of the trancripts' spirit:

Nixon: Cronkite mentioned Ellsberg last night. Cronkite's a Jew, isn't he?
Haldeman: I'm not sure.
Nixon: Cronkike.
Haldeman: [unclear]
Nixon: What is it with the Jews and the network news, Bob? Maybe it's because "Jews" rhymes with "news."
Haldeman: That's true.
Nixon: "Jews" also rhymes with "shoes." Which is why they've [inaudible] the shoe business. You can't buy a Christian shoe these days. Try it and you'll see.
Haldeman: Have you ever looked at their feet?
Nixon: The Jews, the Jews, everyone knows they have special feet. That's how I knew William Sloane Coffin was a Jew. I saw him wearing sandals.
Haldeman: Whatever his feet, Jews wear sandals.
Nixon: Kissinger, though, that's a different story. I told him: Henry, your feet are almost Presbyterian.
Haldeman: Almost 100%.
Nixon: Bob, I, I need your help. I woke up at 2 a.m. this morning. Bob—
Haldeman: Sir?
Nixon: [whispered] I think my big toes are Jewish.

The genuine references to Ellsberg and "the Jews" are below. The funniest part of all, of course, is that someone this crazy was president and had the power to kill everyone on earth.

• • •

Nixon: I hope to God - he's not Jewish is he?

Ziegler: [Laughing] I'm sure he is - Ellsberg?

Nixon: I hope not, I hope not.

Haldeman: [unclear] is Jewish. Why the hell wouldn't he be?

Nixon: Oh yeah, I know, I know, I know, but it's, it's, it's, it's a bad thing for us. It's a bad thing for us. It's a bad thing. Maybe we'll be lucky for once. Many Jews in the Communist conspiracy... Chambers and Hiss were the only non-Jews... Many thought that Hiss was. He could have been a half... Every other one was a Jew - and it raised hell for us. But in this case, I hope to God he's not a Jew.

Haldeman: [Laughing] Well, I suspect he is.

Nixon: You can't tell by the name.

Haldeman: Or Halperin... Gelb is -

Nixon: Gelb's a Jew.

Nixon: You can never put, John, any person who is a Jew on a civil rights kind of case, or freedom of the press kind of case, and get even a ten percent chance. . . . Basically, who the hell are these people that stole the papers? It's too bad. I'm sorry. I was hoping one of them would be a gentile. [laughter] [unclear] The three Jews - Gelb - the three suspects... All Jews."

Mitchell: [laughing] Well, at least the Supreme Court yesterday ruled that the Jews couldn't get into a golf club.

• • •

July 3, 1971: Nixon and Haldeman, 10:41 A.M., Oval Office
Conversation #536-16; cassette #871

Nixon: Colson, he's a clever bastard. He had his office call the Bureau of Labor Statistics... Goldstein... I said, "Were they all Jews?" He said, "Yes. Every one of them was a Jew." Malek's not Jewish is he?

Haldeman: No.

Nixon: I want to look at any sensitive areas around, where Jews are involved, Bob. See, the Jews are all through the government. And we have got to get in those areas, we've got to get the man in charge, who is not Jewish, to patrol the Jewish -

Haldeman: [unclear]

Nixon: . . . full of Jews. Second, most Jews are [unclear]. You know what I mean? You have Garment and Kissinger.

Haldeman: And thankfully Safire.

Nixon: But by God, they're exceptions. But Bob, generally speaking, you can't trust the bastards. They turn on us.

Haldeman: And their whole orientation is against this administration anyway... And they're smart. They have the ability to do what they want to do. Which is, to hurt us...

Nixon: Henry doesn't have many Jews. Got this one...

• • •

Haldeman: He's got quite a few... He had Halperin.

Nixon: Yeah, I know. But, you know... he's got Haig, his secretary is not Jewish.

• • •

Haldeman: None of his aides have ever been Jewish, even Tony Lake who turned on us...

Nixon: That's right.

Haldeman: But his... the young guys, that he's always had...

Nixon: Well Tony Lake always seemed Jewish.

Haldeman: I don't think so. I wondered about that.

Nixon: He looked it.

Haldeman: I know.

• • •

July 5, 1971: Nixon, Haldeman, and Ziegler, 4:03 P.M., Oval Office
Conversation #537-4; cassette #876

Nixon: Jewish families are close, but there's this strange malignancy that seems to creep among them - radicalism. I can imagine how the fact that Ellsberg is in this must really tear a fella like Henry to pieces - or Garment. Just like the Rosenbergs and all that. It just has to kill them. I feel horrible about it.

Ziegler: Could make up an English name.

Haldeman: ... Rosenstein could change his name...

[general laughter]

Ziegler: It is right. It's always an Ellsberg.

Nixon: Every one's a Jew. Ellsberg's a Jew. Halperin's a Jew.

Haldeman: Gelb's a Jew.

Nixon: But there are [unclear] - Hiss was not a Jew. Very interesting thing. So few of those who engage in espionage - are Negroes. . . . In fact, very few of them become Communists. If they do, they like, they get into Angela Davis - they're more the capitalist type. And they throw bombs and this and that. But the Negroes. - have you ever noticed? . . . . Any Negro spies?

Haldeman: Not intellectual enough, not smart enough. . . not smart enough to be spies.

Nixon: The Jews - the Jews are, are born spies. You notice how many of them are just in up to their necks?

Haldeman: A basic deviousness.

Posted at April 25, 2005 09:39 AM | TrackBack

And yet, he was our last liberal president. Just goes to show, you know, those liberals, they're crazy as bedbugs.

Wonderful, wonderful syllogisms. How dull our lives would be without them.

Posted by: Aaron at April 25, 2005 10:16 AM

I read this and set it aside the image of Nixon and Henry Kissinger in the Oval Office, kneeling together in prayer over how to manage the Watergate scandal and, well, my eyebrow raises and something shorts out in my brain.

Posted by: Elayne at April 25, 2005 11:30 AM

"given the endless hypocrisy of the left."

You forgot your sarcasm tags.

Posted by: Heywood Kenobi at April 25, 2005 01:48 PM

Well, this entire site's surrounded by sarcasm tags.

Posted by: Jonathan Schwarz at April 25, 2005 03:19 PM

I knew Pop and Crackle were Jews, but Snap? Not Snap! Come on.

Posted by: Hugo at April 25, 2005 07:20 PM

Oh come on, next to former Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohammed, he's an amateur...

Posted by: En Ming Hee at April 25, 2005 09:27 PM

NO! SNL skit? How could I have missed this? I watched the show even through the unfunny years...

Posted by: Elayne at April 26, 2005 11:03 AM

we had a couple jews in our high school, back in the 60s

steve eisenberg was one

also marilyn greene - although her name was greene, she had red hair - i always liked her - she was jewish too - "greene" probably had been greenberg or greenbaum or something like that

then i went to college and the place was full of jews - i even roomed with them - it gave me a chance to learn some yiddish words

and now i live in a neighborhood that's getting less and less jewish - the hispanics and african-americans are moving in - who knows if it's good or bad?

the way i see it, persons of every ethnic origin and religious persuasion can all be part of the rich pageant of america - even ones from vietnam - devious, inscrutable, lazy - we're all americans no matter what

as bush said in his first inaugural address, "each new immigrant makes us more american, not less"

Posted by: mistah charley, ph.d. at April 27, 2005 09:31 PM

Jews have long been known to flock to movements that undermine western Christian civilization, Communism being one of the newest. This is why they have been booted out of Europe so many times. They aided Muslims in invading Europe at least twice, then there was Communism where only 13% of the Bolshevist leadership was ethnic Russian, the rest being ethnic Jews. Now we have liberalism which is also Jewish dominated which is attacking every one of the basic moral tenets of our society and selectively importing non-whites in massive numbers into white nations as if these people wish to wage a race war against white people and their culture.

By the way, Mr. Phd, the USA was not founded with the intent of being a multicult wonderland. They may have skipped that in your PC history class so I'll link you to a little bit of unlaundered American history:

Hopefully the thought of nations by and for the propagation of the white race and our culture isnt offensive. If so, I only hope you apply the same moral measuring stick to Israel and every Indian reservation in existence.

Posted by: Anti-Semite in Colorado at June 2, 2005 01:52 PM

Nixon was a conservative Republican.

Posted by: at November 16, 2005 09:06 PM