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February 04, 2005

A Debate On The Pigeon-Crapping Crisis

President Bush used his State of the Union address Wednesday to launch a determined push for sweeping changes in the nation's Social Security system, including new individual investment accounts for younger workers...

Bush added new details to his proposal for individual accounts, under which workers could direct some of the taxes now paid for Social Security to mutual funds investing in stocks and bonds.

In a significant shift in his rationale for the accounts, Bush dropped his claim that they would help solve Social Security's fiscal problems...

A Bush aide, briefing reporters on the condition of anonymity, was more explicit, saying that the individual accounts would do nothing to solve the system's long-term financial problems.

-- from the Los Angeles Times

GEORGE: Do you agree that pigeons taking craps on public statues is a problem?

MARY: Pigeons? Uh, sure. It would be nicer if they didn't. I mean, it's not happening much now, but I know it might in forty years or so if pigeons keep breeding the way they are.

GEORGE: So you agree we must build a giant laser to destroy Mars!

MARY: What?

GEORGE: You said there's a pigeon-crapping crisis!

MARY: Hold on. I didn't call it a "crisis." And also --

GEORGE: But you agreed there's a problem! We cannot be so irresponsible as to pass this pigeon-crapping problem, crisis, bloodbath, whatever term you want, onto our children. Therefore we must spend 20 trillion dollars on a giant laser to destroy Mars!

MARY: 20 trillion dollars? Geez, I almost died of dysentery because our town's water system is broken. I'd much rather --

GEORGE: So... you're an obstructionist! You agree there's an incipient holocaust of pigeon-crapping, yet you want to do nothing. Disgusting.

MARY: Uh, whatever. But I'm confused by this laser idea. What does that have to do with pigeons?

GEORGE: Nothing whatsoever!

MARY: ... come again?

GEORGE: I must be honest. Building a laser to destroy Mars has nothing to do with the pigeons. But you agree we're about to all die from pigeon-crapping. We've got to do something. And any solution must include a giant laser to destroy Mars!

MARY: I don't get it. What else do you think should be part of the solution?

GEORGE: That's easy: in the future, pigeons will continue to crap on statues. But we shall no longer refer to it as pigeon-crapping. It will be called "pigeon-giving." The catastrophe will be averted! And most important of all, WE WILL HAVE BUILT A GIANT LASER TO DESTROY MARS!!!!!

Posted at February 4, 2005 08:09 AM | TrackBack

Sounds pretty straight forward to me. In fact, self evident. "Self evident" rings a distant what was it?

Posted by: Jim Shanahan at February 4, 2005 04:37 PM

The analogy would work better for me if the giant laser destroyed Earth as well as Mars.

Posted by: Sam Mc at February 4, 2005 11:43 PM

Lemme guess, George. Giant Laser Inc. was a major campaign contributor and/or your family (or Dick's family) has a large position in it.

Posted by: cavanaghjam at February 5, 2005 01:51 PM

Maybe we could get the pigeons to talk if we attached fake electrodes to their gonads. Then they would point out all the bad "pigeon-giving" pigeons, or at least it would set an example of what could happen if we found weapons of mess destruction.

Posted by: Jay Sedrish at February 5, 2005 10:08 PM

Sam Mc, that's the brilliant part of the plan. We'll be firing right through the earth -- in through Manhattan, and out through North Korea! (Well, one of those Koreas, anyway. Hard to tell which one's which.) Those Martians will never see it coming, let alone all the collateral benefits (as we call 'em) here on Earth. Our faith-based scientist tells us the blast will make a hole in the ozone layer that will let in sweet manna from outer space.


Posted by: Kip W at February 8, 2005 07:15 AM

I have a better idea! Let's build a laser to destroy Mars!

I'm Duck Dodgers of the Twenty-Fourth and a half century!!!

Posted by: Duck Dodgers at February 8, 2005 01:35 PM