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"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show
"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket
"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming
June 01, 2004
O My Beloved People, How You Suck Compared To Our Enemies
As I like to say, all the people who constantly shriek about how much they love their country always despise everyone else in their country. So Ann Coulter hates Americans, Ahmad Chalabi has contempt for Iraqis, Sara Netanyahu loathes Israelis, and Yasser Arafat doesn't think much of Palestinians.
But that's not all. One of the weirdest things about these people is that -- when they can tear themselves away from hating us -- they often speak of the respect they have for their country's purported enemies.
This seems strange, since they also are constantly warning the rest of us that these enemies are PURE EVIL. They can't be negotiated with, they can only be destroyed! Any so-called "peace" will just allow them to re-arm to attack again! Anyone who disagrees is as bad, or maybe worse, than the enemy! Persons denying the existence of Robots may be Robots themselves! Etc.
The nominal bad guys of [Clancy's] cold war-era books were Soviets, but as often as not Clancy portrayed Russians as worthy adversaries, sharing a code of military honor with the American protagonist fated to defeat them...
Liberals, on the other hand, were more often Clancy's true villains. In the process of defeating the Soviets, Clancy's heroes have also had to overcome a "professor of political science at Bennington, whose geopolitical views ... made Lenin look like Theodore Roosevelt"; a treasonous former Harvard Crimson editor who was giving secrets to the KGB; radical environmentalists bent on destroying civilization; namby-pamby congressmen; and pacifists of all stripes. Easy to hate, but illegal to kill.
The message comes through loud and clear. In Clancy's world, conniving Soviet generals may be bad, but liberal Bennington professors are worse.
This is definitely the case in all the Tom Clancy books I've read. You can hear the characters thinking: if we end up having to nuke the Russians, can't we spare at least one 20 megaton warhead for Marin County?
Likewise, Richard Nixon understood how loathsome and disgusting Americans are:
We're going to [put] more of these little Negro bastards on the welfare rolls at $2,400 a family... Work, work--throw 'em off the rolls. That's the key... The Mexicans are a different cup of tea. They have a heritage. At the present time they steal, they're dishonest, but they do have some concept of family life. They don't live like a bunch of dogs, which the Negroes do live like.
The Jews -- the Jews are, are born spies. You notice how many of them are just in up to their necks?
You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists.
You know what happened to the Romans? The last six Roman emperors were fags... The Bohemian Grove -- which I attend, from time to time -- it is the most faggy goddamned thing you could ever imagine, with that San Francisco crowd. I can't shake hands with anybody from San Francisco.
Yes, things were pretty grim. Fortunately, someone understood the danger posed by the vile, filthy people of America. As Nixon explained:
Let's look at the strong societies. The Russians. Goddamn, they root [the fags] out. They don't let 'em around at all. I don't know what they do with them. Look at this country. You think the Russians allow dope?
Then there's "C."C. was a well-known, high-ranking officer in the Israeli army, who, in 1982, anonymously explained how much he hated most Jews:
Let me tell you what is the most important thing, the sweetest fruit of the war in Lebanon: It is that now they don't just hate Israel. Thanks to us, they now also hate all those Feinschmecker Jews in Paris, London, New York, Frankfurt and Montreal, in all their holes. At last they hate all these nice Yids... They are the same Yids who persuaded the gentiles to capitulate to the bastards in Vietnam, to give it in to Khomeini, to Brezhnev, to feel sorry for Sheikh Yamani because of his tough childhood, to make love not war...
Soon their palaces will be smeared with the slogan: Yids, go to Palestine!... You probably want to know whether I am not afraid of the masses of Yids coming here to escape anti-semitism smearing us with their olive oil until we go all soft like them. Listen, history is funny in that way, there is a dialectic here, irony... Leibowitz is right, we are Judeo-Nazis, and why not? Listen, a people that gave itself up to be slaughtered, a people that let soap to be made of its children and lamp shades from the skin of its women is a worse criminal than its murderers. Worse than the Nazis... So I am an anti-Semite? Fine.
Whew, that's ugly. Fortunately, there are some people whom C. admired a great deal:
... note that I don't hate Arabs. On the contrary. Personally, I am much more at ease with them, and especially with the Bedouin, than with Jews. Those Arabs we haven't yet spoilt are proud people, they are irrational, cruel and generous. It's the Yids that are all twisted.
And that's why I'm running for President of the United States. Vote for me, you ghastly, filthy, repellent, nauseating Americans, and I will protect you from our noble enemies.Posted at June 1, 2004 11:43 AM | TrackBack