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"Mike and Jon, Jon and Mike—I've known them both for years, and, clearly, one of them is very funny. As for the other: truly one of the great hangers-on of our time."—Steve Bodow, head writer, The Daily Show

"Who can really judge what's funny? If humor is a subjective medium, then can there be something that is really and truly hilarious? Me. This book."—Daniel Handler, author, Adverbs, and personal representative of Lemony Snicket

"The good news: I thought Our Kampf was consistently hilarious. The bad news: I’m the guy who wrote Monkeybone."—Sam Hamm, screenwriter, Batman, Batman Returns, and Homecoming

May 27, 2004

Yes, Everything Is Horrible

(This entry by Bob Harris)

John Ashcroft here.

Just wanted to reassure you: yes, everything is very, very horrible. Jon is wrong again.

In fact, you're probably going to die by the end of the week. Al-Qaeda is coming. They're going to kill us all. Really. I'm not joking. They've got, like, seven guys we have pictures of and everything this time. So it's your civic duty as an American to be extremely frightened. We're all doomed. Right where we're standing. If you listen closely, you can actually hear your own soul preparing to leave your body. Dead, dead, dead. That's you, next week.

Which is precisely why I also want to remind you: we are winning the war on terrorism. Anyone who concludes otherwise obviously hates freedom.

John Ashcroft

PS -- Anyone else miss U.S. Army field telephones? I know I do. Ever hook somebody's genitals up to a cell phone? Because I've got a Nokia 6190 right here, and I gotta tell you, it doesn't do shit. You couldn't get actionable intel from a fucking hamster with this thing.

Posted at May 27, 2004 02:45 AM | TrackBack

Is this just a set up so someone can mention the *vibrate* mode most modern cell phones have?

Well, I just did.

Posted by: z at May 27, 2004 09:00 PM