Comments: Everyone Has Failed Me

I was riding the D train uptown when your twitter came across, and the whole train was like "coffee? huh? WTFUWS? (WTF's up with Schwarz?)"

People have too much invested in coffee...the emotional comfort, the morning uplift, the brown stains on the should have picked on something foreign, like Fresca. Or Red Bull, with its explicit evocation of stubborn communists, of Soviet wrestlers. Or, hey, what about TEA, you know... hamomile, Darjeeling... Nah, tea would never do, too far-fetched, too steeped in Anglophilia, too many epicine, elitist connotations--scratch that.

Posted by Oarwell at March 2, 2010 09:57 AM

Derrrrr, which way did he go, George? Which way did he go?

Posted by jm at March 2, 2010 09:59 AM

Spelling 'epicene' correctly is, well, epicene.

Posted by Oarwell at March 2, 2010 10:16 AM

And the elided 'c' in chamomile is a hint to all party loyalists.

Posted by Oarwell at March 2, 2010 10:19 AM

Plus, Charles Krauthammer owns patent rights on the phrase "I am a fucking retard."

Posted by Oarwell at March 2, 2010 10:28 AM

Oarwell, I had to look up epicene, you fucking retard.

The whole retard thing is weird. I had a client one time who told me that he was a retard. He told me that because he felt I was condescending to him. He went on to say, "What that means is that I am slow. It takes me more time than you, but I will understand. I am retarded, not stupid." Krauthammer, on the other hand, is a fucking stupid, crazy monster, but not a retard.

Posted by drip at March 2, 2010 11:07 AM

Please forgive me, Jonathan, for not living up to your expectations, but it simply wasn't possible for two reasons, each of which was sufficient unto itself:

1) I didn't get the joke - literally - I'm not getting ANYBODY's tweets (is that the right word?)

2) I don't know your home address - what is it

Posted by mistah charley, ph.d. at March 2, 2010 11:20 AM

we didnt fail you, Mr Schwarz. YOU failed us! we who were waiting, with bated(and baited) breath to anoint you our comedic hero, have ground all expectations into dust. How dare you?!?!?!?!

PS: i think coca cola party? or maybe ketchup party?

Posted by almostinfamous at March 2, 2010 12:46 PM

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

By which I mean ... I'm not on Twitter.

Posted by laym at March 2, 2010 03:45 PM

The joke depends on following politics and political coverage pretty closely, and having a particular attitude on top of that. But Jonathan Schwarz, unappreciated genius, goes Galt? And we're left with Glenn Reynolds and his crew, who threatened to leave but never did? This won't turn out well.

Posted by Batocchio at March 2, 2010 04:16 PM

If you wanted that reaction, you should have suggested the Latte Party™.

Posted by John Caruso at March 2, 2010 05:02 PM

But seriously, folks, I have joined the discussion at the Coffee Party - see

It combines a personal anecdote from me, and most of a post from last week from Chris Floyd (with attribution).

You could go there and agree with it (if you DO agree with it). Will it make the world a better place? My guess - probably not, but who really knows?

And speaking of the relentlessly middlebrow, I was in the supermarket yesterday and heard over the PA system a song I'd seen performed on a PBS fundraising special this past weekend - to be specific, "500 Miles", by Celtic Thunder. It's a small world after all.

Posted by mistah charley, ph.d. at March 2, 2010 05:44 PM

I prefer epifuckingcine refuckingtard, for emphasis, and to escape Krauthammer's patent rights.

Posted by N E at March 2, 2010 05:53 PM

Sorry, this is the first I've heard of a "Coffee Party". But as one can guess pretty much what it is just from knowing what "Tea Party" refers to nowadays, it seems like a pretty good name.

Posted by Cloud at March 2, 2010 08:30 PM

Oh! Geez! Thirty-six hours later, I get it! And it's pretty good! But it required me to think of the Democratic Party as the enemy, which doubled the total number of enemies I face.

Is the joke worth it?

Posted by Aaron Datesman at March 2, 2010 10:11 PM

I get the joke now! At first I thought it was because the "Coffee Party" sounds "fucking retarded," but then I remembered Rahm's quote.

Still, "Coffee Party" sounds horrible, just horrible.

Posted by Sam Mc at March 2, 2010 10:18 PM

I got distracted by the coffee too, so that went right through my head without slowing down, but I get it now too!

Posted by N E at March 2, 2010 10:29 PM

I get it too, with the NYT article today. Hit me with a 2 x 4! And I'm quaffing coffee! The best of all possible worlds!

(grumbling: I didn't know this blog was so wonkish)

Posted by Oarwell at March 3, 2010 08:50 AM

A joke doesn't count until Jay Leno steals it.

Posted by Dennis Perrin at March 3, 2010 09:23 AM

Oh, shit. I went to Jonathan Schwartz's house. No wonder he protested so vigorously when I grabbed him around the legs. He did call me a fucking retard, though, so I was sure I was in the right place at the time.

Posted by . at March 3, 2010 09:52 AM

Dear Earthlings:

Time is up. Our legendary Throgoolian patience has run out. Since you have ignored our previous warnings, which were delivered by way of your most popular communication device, the Tweeter, we have no choice but to destroy your planet.

All the best,

The Throgoolians

Posted by Throg the Magnificent at March 5, 2010 02:39 PM